Whew. What an intro.

Now you all, many of y'all anyway, have 'known' me since prior to me ever stepping feet on AP Brooklyn's grounds but wanting desperately to (actually I don't think anybody but Sade and my sister really ever knew I wanted to), to my first...experience up until right now, my third go-around. I would never call myself an expert but I am very good at observing, good enough to proclaim Afropunk has certainly changed. It had certainly changed prior to my first attendance and up until now it has also grown new heads. Heads so big it just might block me from attending next year
~if you didn't get that, continue below and you hopefully will get understanding~

Let me first delve into my rollercoaster this year. I love Afropunk for the fashion, the collectiveness, the resistance and rebellion, the antics, the love, the lack of judgement. I started attending a few years after they began charging natives, which of course changed the energy of the festival in and of itself, that in which I am positive of. I never felt a yearning to attend because of the music or anything related to punk realness lol blackness, collectives, and the vibe is all I'd wanted to experience. It wasn't until I first attended that I saw the manner in which fashion played. It was a serious ordeal. I always put something together whenever I attend events and I love festival get-ups so my first year I indeed had something that salvaged itself together but I was clueless to the swarm of photographers and industry heads that would be in attendance. I was solely thinking naked yet fest, lol due to the heat and well..me being me. This time around I actually planned my looks and everything in a relatively timely manner. I swear! I know we know my usual procrastination..honestly it's not even procrastination I just get inspiration when I do and you can't rush that shit. You just can't. So I let it happen when it does. The issue with that is always with the fucking mailman. We cannot seem to coordinate my inspiration with snail.. in fact express mail. Something always goes wrong.

Now how long have I been waiting to whip out some chaps?? For maybe two years now. Last year they were a bitch to find, the usual when it comes to me thinking of an idea and waiting for someone to commercialize it so it can be more accessible. *cue just fully design already, I know I know* This year was a bit easier to find them and no, I did not plan for this damn moo song to come out, it just so happened to coincide and you can only guess how many times I was moo'd at.
I've known I wanted chaps, I knew I wanted my ass to hang ~I squatted for times like this bitch~ and I knew I wanted a crystal thong. What else was supposed to happen was an LV tube top and for day 2... well just a whole different look. The Chanel top was to have a bit more structure with some Chanel lining that didn't come in time alongside with a loin cloth style skirt... none of which happened. Because none of which came in time besides from the skirt material and the Chanel material.

I didn't want to waste the top so I decided to go ahead with it, the skirt on the other hand I had to run around and find the material from my neighborhood stores, next deciding to pair a crystal thong for a much needed pop as well as some cute consistency with my weekend looks. When I tell you I kept thinking my Sunday look wasn't especially up to par because I knew how I wanted it to look, it brought me to some relative points. Afropunk lost some of its flair. Afropunk is definitely some weird costume contest fully and completely now. The judgement-free zone is definitely lost within the ever-growing crowd.

I say it's some weird costume contest because..well it is. That was my thought my first year going and even though it was cool to see, it's almost as if you just know people were thinking "which look will get me the most attention?" Especially some male looks.. I'm sorry, I'm tired of seeing the same lazy outfit repetition. The platforms, the halo locs, bleached beards. Okay, we get it. For the women, it's like what's the most over-played thing out right now and how can I incorporate that into my hair? Sunflowers, sunflowers, toss some fruit in, and more sunflowers. It's a big ass contest on who can garner the most attention. And I get it, it's exciting and some may think I played very well into the world as well. *shrug* I do these seemingly off-the-wall looks a lot, somehow incorporating these sort of pieces into a party outfit or a beach look and etc, and I was stressing over some things because of how I love presentation and completion; as someone who styles, if I have an idea in my head I want it to play out exactly as planned. Or else I feel as though I'm competing with my ideas and will always be in a "what if" or "if only" state of mind.

The flair this year was lost through multiple facets. Before, AP used to really encourage vendors and have apparent native footprints throughout the weekend. Especially when, if we're being honest, the festival wouldn't be as big if it wasn't for Brooklyn natives, if it wasn't for people of color, if it wasn't for blackness being cool. period. The black people collecting together to display various forms of fashion, cool. The black people dancing and partying to beats, drums, guitars, cool. The black people doing all of this and singing and painting and fighting oppression, racism, bigotry, and the white greedy hand...oops. All of this wrapped into a 'come as you are' fest was fucking cool. It's a real bitch and hassle to be able to vend now. There's this official application, a waitlist, a multiple grand fee.. all for starting last year the acceptance of less vendors and a redesign if you will, of the usual layout. Squeeze as much vendor space close together as you can, more room for bars and roped off food places *cue side-eye on the reasoning for that* 
This year I didn't even see the banners banning racism, homophobia, etc etc. Some of those important staples and seemingly morals and not selling points, lost. Especially when a VIP goer gets kicked out of the VIP lounge for sporting a tee calling Afropunk out on selling out to white consumerism.. oops again I might add. I've seen fucking worse and way more blunt but it seems to be an issue when we're now critiquing the white organizers? Because we do know who is actually running the show now correct?

*throws Hennessy byke every so blackly*

The first year I attended Afropunk I was a bit nervous, more so because I didn't know what to expect. I was helping a nonentity vend and I just knew it was a big event but I didn't know what actually went on? I did a let's be real recap about it here as well, detailing what y'all can't see from the damn pics cause it's real nitty-gritty out there. Yet, I felt so oddly embraced. That affirmed my love for New York many moons ago. Nobody cared, come as you are, you're good. Looking back on my get-up, I even didn't love it at the time because of course outfit pieces didn't come when they should've so I had to run around and make do as usual, but everybody ate that shit up lol just didn't...judge. That's lost. As Afropunk gets more commercial and acquires more mainstream artists to their stages comes more attendees there for the motion of it all but not the spirit. It's losing its authenticity. 
Honestly, that may already be lost.

As the internet crucified an attendee who was literally the most pleasant person around and was there to live his damn life, I just shook my head cause that warm spirit really is gone. It's not for everyone to have or understand, but those who truly fuck with the intention of the event and the message of it get it and should in actuality be paying it forward. If you volunteered this year you could only get one ticket. As in took time out and helped "progress" their "initiatives" and met the requirements for total points, your cap was one GA ticket for one day of your choice. laughoutloud, what? Actually why, so you'd be somewhat forced to give money to them someway somehow even if you already contributed work? One of the ways of "volunteering" was a monetary donation (money). You are in fact kidding, right? A donation to who and to what exactly?

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoyed myself and had a great time meeting new spirits who I genuinely fucked with. It's just sad to see a longstanding conscious event go south. And let's not even talk about the fake photographers and "artists" looking for clout for their lack of talent. Let's not start.

What are you all's thoughts? Should the white money hand be allowed to grapple on and continue to try and make a flip on culture? Do you really think there was another side to that question? While y'all meditate on that enjoy some flicks from photographers I actually fuck with.

xxoo missusmonroe

I completed something so major I’m not sure how many others will really get it..I dunno if I’ve fully grasped it; it’s something that felt like nothing more than a dream, an idea. 


everybody kept telling me how hard it would be and how I just would not be able to do it, to afford anything, wouldn’t be able to survive without working myself to death. And it's not exactly easy but lol someway somehow I was able to do it independently (I repent Satan from my pockets and welcome God’s mercy 40x over okur). shoutout to my prayer warriors mannn. we did it. 

But forreal, in all honesty I need to take a moment to express the killer anxiety and equally killer rollercoaster of emotions (many of them PMS induced, I’m just saying, so of course shorty was crying me a river) that apparently no amount of planning could escape.



One has to get to the other side somehow and in some way. I must say in the face of adversity, I’m just really proud of myself. I won’t say all that had to be done to get here but I will say hey, I haven’t been arrested yet so. 

There's no doubt in this world I'm the reigning professional of letting shit go. I'm the connoisseur of cutting ties. 30 day return? No problem, it's back on your shelf the day after purchase.. I'm good at the shit. I'm great at stripping emotion. I'm amazing at starting over... these past few days I've been mad. I've been angry then in denial about the anger because I didn't want to be mad but the emotion would not escape from me. I tried ignoring it, I tried distractions, I told myself truths but none of it helped. I couldn't run from it because I was meant to get to this very moment of clarity and realization. I realized I did not want to get to this moment simply because I know myself, I know how I am, I know my tendencies. The great thing about me and one of my favorite traits is that once I let go? Oh baby there's no return. No takesies-backsies. No part II of my Confessions. No collect 200, it's done. And you know what?... I've been holding on. There's something that was in my life that I was never supposed to allow to enter. It all seemed right at some point until it was clear in my being it was very not. I'm mad at myself because I recognized that voice and I let it slide. I let it slide because at the time it wasn't necessarily wrong. But the thing about things or people that are not necessarily wrong is that they sure aren't right though. And you were not right. I can go on and list the things I've written for myself to never allow happen again because of you, I can be upset about those things but what's reigning true is me not being 100% true to me. I'm not that person who doesn't listen to myself and although I know life was at its hardest then and my judgement was everything but aligned... I should have never let you in. 

I've been running from my ownership in that because owning would mean I know I have to do something about it. And I knew I'd know exactly what needed to be done and in reality I didn't want to complete the loop. I didn't want to seal it..because I knew that once I did that there was no coming back. My emotions are a funny thing; they're like reserves. My true emotions cannot be available to everyone and those they are lent to, once they're misused they will never be borrowed from again.

I take it back. I take back my offers of peace. I take back my laughs. I take back the information about myself I should have never said. I take back my private smiles. I take back the twinkle in my eyes. I take back anything that ever made you feel like my emotions were true. I take back every I love you. I take back every offer of friendship cause I'm a damn good friend. I take back the thought that you could have deserved anything. I take back every loyal action. I take back any belief or forceful belief in any promise. I take back every helping hand. I take back every second spent confused. I take back every exhausted moment spent awake. I take back all of the selflessness. I take back the experience of me. I take back my coveted love. I take back my care. I take back my stories. I take back the sound of my voice. I take back my thoughts. I take back bearing your pain. I take back the patience of the baggage that was the only experience of you, you must have thought I deserved. I take back every "it's okay", and every "it's not okay". I take back every single first. I take back my goofy grins. I take back my stress over your insecurities. I take back every feeling of needing to make up where you lacked. I take back the raw, vulnerable, broken down, insightful me. I take back my dreams. I take back my aspirations. I take back my inspiration.

I'm glad I could help you get to your other side. We all serve a purpose in one another's life. You could never find yours.. it's funny because I guess I have always known mine. I know I'll be in everything but I'm taking me back, completely and whole-ly. I'm far too great of a gift to wait aimlessly for sense that will never come. One can't buy intellect you know. I am far too aware there are no mistake here so therefore mistakes don't exist, but I've forgiven myself regardless. That's who I am, that's who I'll always be. To be so young and wanting to give all of me and just fall is almost honorable. The fall never happened. And you know what, it's okay. Honestly this time, not just that shit to make you feel better.

As I take a deep ass relieving breath and I'm stretching again and I'm caring for myself on this harbor and tension.. I just smile. Because there's a reason I had to not let go, there's a reason I had to hang on and overstay just a little bit because if not, I wouldn't see you for who you actually resemble in life. I would not be here in this present moment with all that I know; I'd be living off of a false conclusion I supplied myself (and we all know how I feel about the truth)... there's nothing I would give up to not feel as alive and in tune as I've come to claim over this year+.

Oh I feel so powerful and I feel so clear. I've always known what had to be done. I was just so generous..that won't be a problem anymore. All returns are final.



[PMS always gets me.]
xxoo missusmonroe

In healing you have to suck up your pride and confront your situations. Confront your demons. Because at the end of the day and the first of the month, it’s for you. 
For you.
You’re not pushing your pride aside FOR somebody else or to submit to someone.. you’re doing it for the sacrifice of you and the betterment of no one other than your beautiful ass self.

It's crazy how I wrote this up early last week then I went to an amazingly curated event ~shoutout to Sister Social II~ where guess what the main topic was. 
It shouldn't need to be said, but here I will say it anyway: get to a point where you realize you are actually doing it for yourself and not just telling yourself that... Get to a point where you are healing for you. For my mental health? I need to close some fucking doors and put a lock on some trailing thoughts. I need to actually put things behind me in a manner where they can’t reappear. I need to RID myself. And the only ways I truly do that are feeling my way through it like I’ve described so many times, then literally closing it. I can’t close it if I keep thinking what if and of a possibly make believe future, an “other side”. No it needs to be sealed.

Freeing yourself is a process. Honestly consider the things in your life that came without work and how many of those things are still around. Freeing myself from school took certain necessary steps. Freeing myself from a location cripple took even more steps. And freeing myself of the last of my mental toxins will take further steps, steps I don’t even agree with half the time, or at least my pride doesn’t (as small as my pride is.. it still exists). My stubbornness tells me otherwise. My attitude definitely screeches otherwise. But in order to be the best of me for my new journey I need to do what I need, not what I want (don't confuse the two). Not do what the person I have someway, somehow, I suppose, portrayed myself to be would do, and for who? Being whomever that "I'll cut a bitch real quick, eowww" for whom? Those you claim you don’t care about right? Right. There's a time and place for all things.My sisters who see me as a strong being who stands their ground? I can and will stand my ground while backtracking and fixing my wrongs or taking the necessary movements to create a better me for tomorrow. One day I’ll be 28 and a grown ass woman with many qualms and burnt bridges because of stubbornness. I don’t actually want that, not for any reason but that I don’t want to walk in this life that way. You can hate me because of me but I want to be at peace with myself and the choices I've chosen in this life.

Even the strongest go through healing, it's such a false narrative and perception that healing is for weak people. "Oh she's going through something again, she has to heal past it." Healing is not just for the sick, it is not for the weak or weak-hearted. Literally, do you understand how strong you have to be both mentally and physically to overcome both mental and physical battles? It takes so much reflection and so much of going into places within that you do not want to tread.

I'm so grateful for these words. These words that just attacked me one early afternoon that I first didn't know where they were going but I knew it'd end in knowledge someway. Turns out these were the same words I was able to use at the Social to hopefully get some other strong women comfortable in healing and their forgiveness process, whatever it may be. The magic in these photos happened at the let-out, in the most organic, powerful way as ever, our melanin of course attracting attention and our blk gal magic and carefree laughs captivating for the gentrified streets of Brooklyn for memories to come.


xxoo missusmonroe

to be obsessed with yourself. to love yourself fervently.. that's what I've always been about. that's always been an ideal of mine, that's always been the makings of me. If you don't know shit else about me, at least know that.

Something told me to hit a new tab and to form those first sentences. Why? I don't know.. has some shit been on my mind? yes (when is that not the case). Have I not been loving myself? Well, *reflective moment* not to my fullest of extents, no. This can be proven with my lack of writing for one and with other personal things I don't necessarily feel like giving those who should no longer be apart of my life process, privy to knowing. Inspiration is a funny thing. It's like a plant, sometimes it just needs love and that tender care, sometimes it needs to be taken care of before it can take care of you.

Although I've been scarily reflective lately and have been reteaching myself (many of things really) to guard my one eternal reflection of self-obsession, my peace, I don't know where this brewed from or what the fuck I'm saying but I hope it resonated with somebody. I'm sure I'll come to understanding myself later.

xxoo missusmonroe

see ya!
xxoo missusmonroe

Black History Month is never over. There is no such thing as a month for us, there is a such thing; however, as a few days for the remainder of you. As the month of February wrapped up though I began to weigh heavily different things that are "worth it" to me and I came across a slew of spoken word ~bro I love me some words spokennnn if ya'didn't know~ and a question remained in my head:

why don't I protect my peace?

I know my peace exists. I also know I have recently come to rediscover it. I know that it is one of the most, if not the most, valuable jewels on this here Earth. I know that it is a coveted item like that new Gucci Gucci 20infinity y'all be slaving. I know that it is a direct door to my happy and a direct reflection of my mental health. I know that it can be shaken but not easily stirred. And I also know that it is a badass bitch who doesn't take no shit from any intruder tracking in mud. okay.

I also know that I have done an extremely poor job of protecting it.

I flaunt my peace because that is an uncontrollable thing, it is literally the light behind my smile and the cute ass twinkle in my biggie-smalls eyes. I am not careless with it, read carefully because this is important, but I am not exactly selfish with it either. Why am I not selfish, down-right stingy, with the most important thing in this here world and there outerworldliness. As black women we need to protect our shit. We run around chasing everybody and everything attempting to fix situations because in turn that is where we derive our value from. Our source of belonging and need is from what we bring to others, what fixin' can we bring to the table, and then we look internally and are surprised that we in actuality are not happy with ourselves because we look around and see we in actuality don't have much for ourselves, we don't have much to call our own ~as far as receivables go~. And certainly even less when we speak of trye tangibility. Many cannot seem to find that value within themselves when it disincludes anothers' woes..

Where's your peace?

xxoo missusmonroe

The other day I was sitting around, meandering in my thoughts and stumbled upon what I know you need to free yourself of. In the past I've had my fair share of purges and detoxes..recently I've damn near shed multiple skins and felt like I've lived many lives. I'm out and I'm free and I'm clearer than before and there are so many things that have been on my mind. Let's get right to it shall we?

this outfit, a design by me

In the sincerest but tighten-your-shit-bitch way possible, let go of:

1. commitment that's not committed to you

2. that unproductive routine

3. that complacency that's the root of that anxiety you've got there

4. people who love to project their insecurities on you [fucking people who project, period]

5. deterrents

6. that superficial need to belong

7. a heavy heart

   I discovered an earth-shattering dialogue in the most trusted, world wide web scholarly engine (Twitter) that I know you need to hear so here goes it. "People will pretend and play in your face for however long is necessary. Oppression thrives on superficiality. A lot of people are giving you the superficial because they don't know how to give you something authentic. If one cannot be authentic with self... see where I'm going with this? Don't take it personal. It's life. Don't even pity these people; don't judge. Keep your heart light. No resentment. No anger. No grudges. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Free yourself." - @phoenixandmars

Everybody is going through or has gone through. Sometimes these messages are written to help the writer get to the other side as well; we could all be walking along with each other. It's no race. We all have a plethora of metrics on moving on. Stop with the comparisons already, this "they" you speak of could be just as lost as you but pen to tongue on what is known needs to be done, allows room for healing of oneself. Make sense?

What do you want in life? As 'simple' as happiness or as complex as a 10 year plan. Chase it. Stop looking back. Everyone will be fine without you or they'll have to learn to be fine. And if your need is to be needed (that lil need to belong as we discussed), we need to stand on our own feet and realize that you all by yourself are enough.

Free yourself.

xxoo missusmonroe

to be a disappointment.

I think I've felt that before. However, I wish from time to multiple fucking time I could just dish out an ounce of it as it's been ricocheted and happily dashed to me, *cue* young girl skipping down the aisle sprinkling, instead of petals, wads of a treat named disappointment.

Maybe even just the opportunity.. given the opportunity to do so, not necessarily the actual act. I like to say that I make decisions for me, that I, relatively speaking, live for myself but up until this point in life that's not entirely true. So to then say I want to go out and purposefully dish what comes to me is a dick hard rock solid, no. I wouldn't. It's one of those things that feels good to yell or poignantly cock your head full of high-ponytailed braids and say, you know like when you're faking cussing your "man" out with that false attitude nestled in the curl of your lips and the roll in your eye...right before you take him right back: in reality, would you really? These days, especially recently I've experienced my fair share of disappointments. Gifting that to someone would be unnecessary. I've trusted, I've believed, I've discovered continuous lies and  have been fed what was to make me look another way. I'm not dealing with shit in any way or shape shifting form it comes to me.

Throughout my life I never actually cared about being a *dramatic noise* "disappointment". Hindsight, I think that's likely because I didn't really have much to worry about in that facet. All the disappointment roles in my family tree were taken. It was honestly just too easy to follow directions; in fact, it would take a whole lot more of my energy and brain capacity to do the exact opposite of what was asked of me. Because it was never much! 

go to school. okay, get on the bus. get good grades. okay, this shit is actually easy.

My siblings had been rebellious from their departure from the womb, their prerogative, and me I just minded my business. If my mother asked something of me that I didn't see as difficult, I just did not see why I needed to go out of my way and go against it. Not to ever say I didn't get in trouble or get cast  as the poster-girl for a deeply ingrained horrid attitude, because I did, but I guess you could say it was like a grey pot against charcoal. Which would you prefer? Lesser evils if you wish. This was a set up for a lot of pressure on myself.

I had a pressure to follow what my mother wanted for my life at some point, when I got old enough to evaluate my freedom situation which hadn't been a situation until it became a situation... Especially freedom in action, not just opinion. Seeing as though my mother had a full plate with the football team of us and if you have one child that actually listens from time-to-time, they are sort of a whiff of daises. It was like letting someone who believes in you more than life itself likely down. As dramatic as that sounded, this is something I did not yearn to do. Thus, I took heed to a lot of actions and pushed aside some of my wants or molded it to try and please the both of us, or honestly to make it look like it did to almost fool myself. But we know that one person you cannot fool...das you honey. In case you were confusion.

Mentally, it was a kill two birds with one stone type of situation whereas, if I'd foreseen that since my inception I could have just popped my head out and said "fuck all of this" Janis Ian style and dealt with whatever hardship that would surely ensue and end up OKAY. That I would have her support in the long run...I would have.

Because the gahdamn pitfalls of life she was attempting to protect me from were not in any way shape or form avoided. In fact I think they were expedited, no ground shipping over here, not even an e-packet. Life has a way of finding you, even if it has to take the back-door. Throw those disappointment thoughts right in the trash where they belong. I'm never saying wildout and get thrown into the streets with your belongings in a lion cloth attached to the end of a stick, respect the people who birthed you into this world as best to your ability but if you want to spread your wings, I recommend not looking back earlier rather than later. You will be okay, you will land of your own two feet, you sure will make mistakes but if not now they would have caught up to you later. This is literally your life.

Relationships can bounce back and can be built back. ~Optimistically~. Regret cannot. Because damn, at the end of the day you're the one living as you. Someone can control your entire life operation..then go back to living theirs. Someone can lead you on and make you believe they have the both of you in mind when really it's just them they're looking out for. This is the best example of why can't you? It's not a crime to be selfish during the only years you literally have complete liberty and even blessings to.

xxoo missusmonroe

We're about a month into the new year and you might have already slipped into old habits, .. or rather he did.. you catch the drift. It is, however, never too late to leave a dude in the past if he is no longer up to a par, standard, or he's simply just f'ing up. Y'all know me by now, it's highly encouraged, it's preached, praised..outright glorified. Yes, I am well aware it is 22 days into 2018, but it is never too late to get rid of a 2017 nigga! (And while we're at it, let's just be honest: many of y'all are still latching on to 2015 so let us not get wrapped up in dates but rather focus on the end goal) A past year, in the new year, a future year...it's just never too late to remind a dude there's plenty of him wherever he came from, alright.

Below lies your carefully crafted, no chaser guide from a professional snip snipper, never-ever-met..cher.. Get into it:

1. Self-love yourself rotten.

• take that pole dancing class you swear is only for exercise. Stuff your mouth with as many dicks as you'd like, making men weak in the knees and fall in love only for you to leave them on read. If that actually makes you happy (discover your real happiness) and gives you a positivity to add to your life, well then why not? (okay STIs are a why not but of course after verifying that)

2. Stop with the mental pet-names.

• stop with the googoo-gaga. Stop calling him what was in the past and begin to call him what's in the future: nothing. rid yourself of the endearment; it no longer exists, it's no longer genuine and if it's no longer genuine, you no longer have room for it in your life. period.

3. Tattoo "BLOCKED" on your forehead in Rockwell Condensed font.

• block is your best friend, as is that little unfollow button. You need a purge, a cleanse, not a constant irritation. And remember, if it's not in Rockwell, it doesn't count.

4. In one ear and out the other *in my best Belcalis voice*

• if he finds God thus granting him someway and somehow communication with you, see number 3, do not allow any of his words cascade into your spirit. Take it with a grain of salt and dust it off like a feather. Once his words begin to mean rat's ass to you, you're in a great space.

5. If you don't have nonchalant in you, cut the ties

6. If you must respond to him, 

7. Invest in your hobbies.

Considering (and realizing) that my last blog post was regarding my trip in Cuba, I guess this post is only fitting! I recently returned from a 3 week trip in Asia, which I hope to discuss and post about soon. I'm still trying to get over jetlag and decompress from everything. I went to a friend's birthday brunch at a cute place called "Little Havana", where it was it's own stand alone building, brightly colored and petite. Here are some photos below!







 Bisous,
Sade