a year ago
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| NYC Brooklyn Bridge, semester before I graduated January 2017 |
A year later I reflect on my last year, I remember a promise
and goal I made to myself. That last May, six months into the future, when I
would get my diploma or drop out of school, whichever came first, I’d be out of
here a year from that date. I would be pursuing my destination head on and full force and I would not
let anyone or anything stop me. A few weeks after finally conferring my degree
and during extremely trying times where nothing was looking up, food was
sparse, energy low, creativity surprisingly moderate but resources wiped and
motivation nearly nonexistent… a door opened and an offer came along with it.
At the time I could hardly imagine my same shitshow would turn around and be a
saving grace. That it would be my saving grace.
A year ago I never would have imagined not being in contact with certain people I once trusted with my life, never would have imagined so many promises broken. I never would have imagined so much strife, so many laughs, so many tears. God being God and good is an understatement but I’m never not in awe of her work. I am just so proud to
actually be aligned with my forseen path, proud to be chosen for blessings yet
still. After so many mistakes, after so many fumbles and blatant confusion, after what feels like an eternity of deterrents. And I’m damn proud of myself for always remaining the me that never
gives up on me. The me that nobody made to be here but the me who got herself here ~along with my
otherworldly guidance. The me that sometimes nobody wants to love but is alright because she has enough love for herself to cover the lost tenfold. Words cannot describe the happiness that moves through
my body nor the silent understanding of everything up until this point.
Everything and many people had to go in order for me to be given the privilege
of living fully and presently in these very moments. To be able to look out these windows onto the bustling, loudass streets and hear the silence in the noise. Things I thought were
alignments but clearly showed themselves as non had to literally be shed,
ripped from my skin like a python leaving behind her old self, stripped from my
heart.. my heart, thoughts, and spirit in order for me to submerge myself, in
actuality not in my make-believe that I believe
is truth, in my new experiences solely for me.
Just. Me.
Every first action,
every sighting, every solo trip, skip, dance… I may think of the passersby here or the passerby there but I will remember myself first in all of these first moments. These moments don’t get to be given to anybody
else. I want them for me. For my keeping,
not my sharing.
Last year I had to be worried about so many people, so many moving parts. Last year I was making everything up as I went along, the heaviest of thoughts weighing down my buoyancy. This year I am taking flight. Watch me.
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| Wall Street, NYC, May 14, 2018. Also known as current day |
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