new york city's confessional: destiny

1:55 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

I finally felt like writing.

So here we go.

I've been in this crazy ass city for four whole years, I actually can't believe it. And as I was wheeled into the ER a few days ago on a stretcher... I can pretty much officially say I've done damn near everything. Because I feel like being admitted into a NY hospital, a Brooklyn hospital and making it out alive, is a notable thing only New Yorkers would understand.

God, it is so easy to lose yourself in this city. That is what I have learned in this last lap. It's not that it is news to me, I know it's easy to get lost in the crowd and become one with everything that is going on. But it's also quite plainly easy to lose yourself. Your grounding.. what mayhaps made you.. not so NY. Not necessarily what "made you different" but what made you, for lack of a better term, an outcast. And in my eyes I'm not saying that outcast factor is a bad thing at all. I think we chase things, we're here for something right? Even those who are native. We're chasing it and in order to get closer to that thing we have to get closer to people and resources, live that life and who's to say it's not enjoyable? I don't feel like you realize what you need until you're in it; you'll need this exposure later, you and this connection could build a really beneficial, great grind relationship. Until one day you ask yourself where you are and what is this life you've found yourself in? I find you can find yourself in one of two scenarios:

+ Whatever you were chasing or desperately trying to create you've now lost sight of because now you're trying to maintain this completely different beast. The beast that demands instant gratification, demands reassurance, glorification, attention, validation, being surrounded by people and to be seen at all the latest. Your low maintenance is fading and the you that "doesn't care about that shit" has been replaced. Funny enough, you're still trying to hold onto that imagery.. so you feign the nonchalance. Faking who you are because somewhere you still believe you are that person. But you're not. And not to say that's good or bad, who am I to completely judge, but it is.. expected. I mean, were you never to change? The question is was it for the better?

+ So then there's the running through all the hoops to get resources and a backbone for whatever it is you're chasing and trying to create.. but who's to say all of those surrounding you, the crowd you find yourself in, will be your support when said time comes? Because that is the reason all these damn people are here, you've convinced yourself everybody you meet needs to be in your network, every seemingly cool person "doing something" you need to keep around for whenever it's your turn. Becoming that "if your friends don't support you they're not your friends" person is a lot easier than it appears. At first it's fun, the invites, the parties, the secret rooms, celebrities looking your way and treating you as part of their world. It quickly begins to feel like constant upkeep.. you have to keep your face out there, you can't be forgotten, you have to find your way into this event, you have to be in a section, you can't be seen outside or in a line.. all in the name of whatever dream you are trying to push forward... right? Exactly, not so more huh?

Living here can make you start to feel like you can't miss out on certain things. And then comes that odd ramble of speech trying to justify just why you don't care and why it's not even that special or important.. but then given the chance you'd jump at whatever it is because admit it, you've fallen. You do care and it is eating you up any moment not being on the scene. Not to have updatable things about your life and "funny" tidbits that all become rather staged and actually aren't funny at all. I think this is a place to find yourself.. but I think it's easier to lose who you are. You don't find your worth here, you have to come here knowing it and never lose that. It's easy to lose your core, you know the things that make you you, in exchange for what's happening.

I have the privilege of seeing people I've known in past lives move into the city, move out or stick around and just observe them. Watch the doe eyes and always be able to identify right away why they're here, what crowds and spots they'll find themselves in, pretty much predict how long they'll be here and if their personas can withstand the city or if it'll naturally fold to influence. I wouldn't be surprised nor would judge if somebody is doing the same to me.

I think I finally understand the whole notion about how if you can make it here you can make it anywhere and how near impossible it is to make it here. It's not that it's really actually hard to "make it" it's about the concept first because whose idea of making it are we even speaking of.. the crowds' we're surrounded by's twisted perception? That I may mention is popular so it's now standard perception. Ha, then it's really the making it out of those crowds, those happenings, the constant people. It's a working thought but no where is like here. And it's not because of the architecture or the jobs or the restaurants. It's because of the people. It's because of the pride. So if you can mount yourself above all of it, despite the pressures. Congratulations, you've made it.

xxoo, missusmonroe