Thank You 2019 but f*%!& Off

9:32 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

I know someone is tired of seeing 2020 is for clear vision.

Although I could agree with the sentiments..it's corny and overused at this point. However, howeverrrr, I will put my bias and judgmental enough spirit aside and piggyback on its actual point. I eluded on twitter dot com that I was attempting to gather words I hadn't already said what feels like a million times but we just have to harp again how 2019 was just not it. Not that it was a horrible year but it was tired before it even started if we're being honest. 2019 was work, it was so much work!

Now let's get something straight, it was not worse than 2018. I don't think anything could be worse than 2018..aside from 2017 but stay focused with me here, 2018 was slaving work all year round while last year was difficult paralleled just with lighter moments. The greatest thing about last year was the resounding feeling of hope surrounding all of that hard work. Last year was hopeful, as hopeful as it could be following a tumultuous year like 2018. In all seriousness, 2019 was the year of light because of the magnetic and undeniable feeling of what the next year was sure to bring.

For whatever reasoned ordained, as last year was rounding up, as in after our super Hot, Girrrl summer, the greatness of fashion week, the Libra takeover that was my birthday month, then straight into the depression of all of the above being over, colder weather, and daylight being broke as hell and saving all it damn could, I was literally left with no choice but to think of the next year coming. And every time I would think of 2020 I would for no reason at all feel good. 2020 felt good before it even began.

I suppose it's just the law of nature. You keep working hard at something, something will come out of it. Pressure makes diamonds.

2019 I stumbled upon and collaborated with so many artists, creative minds, and visual geniuses.. so many that I truly didn't realize it far exceeded 10 until I sat down and attempted to make a post out of it (thanks for the reminders Instagram limitations). I'm grateful for the people around me but I'm even more grateful for these energies I just bring in and connect with. In some proclamation shit, I want to be more intentional with this this year but honestly and truly.. I LOVE how things "magically" fall into place or really how we literally fall right into our destiny. Our predetermined paths. Because I don't think anything is by chance.

It's not by chance I started 2019 off in a job where my boss literally hated me and not even halfway through the month separated with the company. It's not by chance this was right before catching a flight across the world all by myself to one of the most peaceful and spiritual places in the world only to come back jobless but also granted opportunities to begin freelance in celebrity styling. That's not a fucking coinky dink, how one door seems like it's closing but in reality it's opening in the opposite direction.

What's in Your Wallet? A Nigerian Proverb

9:05 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

This is why we work so hard.

For the "better life" sentiments, for our legacies. This is why mediocrity isn't accepted and never encouraged. Honestly, you don't fully grasp the urgency and aggressiveness of it all until you're there, until you're in it. My mother;s words from when I was young will probably always ring in my ears, "do not forget where you came from" as where you came from is important. It is identity.

In my early youth I used to think this simply means to not deny my heritage, to be proud of being Nigerian, but a few years ago I realized the depth to it. It means to use my uobringing and the people oh who I am and are from as a compass. Not to forget where I came from and what it means to walk that soil, not to forget the people and habits of my origins and move as though I don't have any bearings. In lames terns, What Would Your People Do? Not to get lost in the enticement of emigration and belonging" where you forget what differentiates your people from everybody else in this world. That's fucking pressure.

The crazy thing is, it's really only pressure if you want to be your own person. Where's my voice in all of this?

Don't get me wrong, Naija was an incredible time, I truly wasn't expecting the caliber I experienced even with knowing it would be a blast and I'll get to the rundown of that further. However, I think it would be unjust to not speak on this notion of a lack of acceptance for how people come. As this year was Ghana's "Year of Return" as I'm sure everyone has heard of at least once by now, it's suitable to say this was sort of the theme of the diaspora this Christmas and New Year season. Although Nigeria is always swarmed with generational natives or first-time goers, this year was particularly different. And in the home of tradition then no mann's land of motion and energy, the rejection of expression or simply anybody and any notion "unlike" surely discourages visitors from returning. Because once you stop partying long enough and actually put your ear to the conversation of why everybody's eyes are on you and giving you funny looks, you begin to ask yourself a question that lingered in my brain as the cabin doors closed and the flight attendants scuffled to their duties, with all of the crude humiliation defended by "this is not what we do here" quips, who would actually like to willingly return?

Nigeria always teaches me to be shameless, to be proud of your difference. We have so much national pride, it's literally a notion of why would you want to be anything else? (we good over here vibrational energy you feel me) Shameless. Which, let's be clear, is actually somewhat difficult to practice there. I think that's a great part of the reason we breed such enigmatic people, "creative", "different", "hungry" people, it's rebellion really. Rebelling against all of the "you're supposed to do"s, all of the hierarchical expectations and surviving yourself, self doubt, self worth, self harm even.

It's a mess at first, just doing any and all things in hopes of finding happiness and joy from them in the downtime of simultaneously appeasing family ties and legacies in the corners of your mind. It's a mess because for a long time you'll think you're doing these things for everybody, you and them. But in reality, the reality you're absolutely aware of but have convinced yourself isn't the whole truth so won't necessarily speak on unprompted, it's for "them". It's to make "them" who made all of these sacrifices, all of which you didn't even ask for, proud of you. I'm reminded of this every time I excitedly step back on my soil and honestly I'm not sure if it's what I'd exactly call unnecessary, because it's made me and so many others into the inspiring people we are today but we had to fight to get "here".. but then again it's also the take of if all of this shit was encouraged and actually supported would we have yearned and gravitated toward our path? I'm not so sure.

I do know that Nigerians are fighters regardless, we fight for what we believe in and sometimes what we don't believe in but are passionate about nonetheless. Even in our rebellion we are native.

I wonder how we'll raise our (y'alls) kids... for some reason I heavily believe they will want to become healers and negotiators (doctors and lawyers alike).

In the end I believe it is all about support, that's what we've all always wanted. That's why we'll do things we don't enjoy for years because to do the opposite of that would have said support from those who literally birthed and raised us whisked from the bottom of our feet. Imbalanced. That is until we succeed.

When I opened my notepad to begin writing thoughts about this trip in order to form phrases, sentences, and paragraphs that would become this post I found that I just had a bunch of phrases and couldn't complete any of them. To be all dandy and recap the frills just wasn't sitting, it literally wasn't producing. I will and actually want to go into the wit and humor of our trip but this just felt right. Right now.

We're moving forward. It took us a long ass time to even get to this space and the motion is not over. But we definitely still have work to do, we can't deny that and it would be a disservice not to speak on it. It all starts and will continue with us going back home.

xxoo missusmonroe