11:31 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

to be a disappointment.
I think I've felt that before. However, I wish from time to multiple fucking time I could just dish out an ounce of it as it's been ricocheted and happily dashed to me, *cue* young girl skipping down the aisle sprinkling, instead of petals, wads of a treat named disappointment.

Maybe even just the opportunity.. given the opportunity to do so, not necessarily the actual act. I like to say that I make decisions for me, that I, relatively speaking, live for myself but up until this point in life that's not entirely true. So to then say I want to go out and purposefully dish what comes to me is a dick hard rock solid, no. I wouldn't. It's one of those things that feels good to yell or poignantly cock your head full of high-ponytailed braids and say, you know like when you're faking cussing your "man" out with that false attitude nestled in the curl of your lips and the roll in your eye...right before you take him right back: in reality, would you really? These days, especially recently I've experienced my fair share of disappointments. Gifting that to someone would be unnecessary. I've trusted, I've believed, I've discovered continuous lies and  have been fed what was to make me look another way. I'm not dealing with shit in any way or shape shifting form it comes to me.

Throughout my life I never actually cared about being a *dramatic noise* "disappointment". Hindsight, I think that's likely because I didn't really have much to worry about in that facet. All the disappointment roles in my family tree were taken. It was honestly just too easy to follow directions; in fact, it would take a whole lot more of my energy and brain capacity to do the exact opposite of what was asked of me. Because it was never much! 

go to school. okay, get on the bus. get good grades. okay, this shit is actually easy.
My siblings had been rebellious from their departure from the womb, their prerogative, and me I just minded my business. If my mother asked something of me that I didn't see as difficult, I just did not see why I needed to go out of my way and go against it. Not to ever say I didn't get in trouble or get cast  as the poster-girl for a deeply ingrained horrid attitude, because I did, but I guess you could say it was like a grey pot against charcoal. Which would you prefer? Lesser evils if you wish. This was a set up for a lot of pressure on myself.

I had a pressure to follow what my mother wanted for my life at some point, when I got old enough to evaluate my freedom situation which hadn't been a situation until it became a situation... Especially freedom in action, not just opinion. Seeing as though my mother had a full plate with the football team of us and if you have one child that actually listens from time-to-time, they are sort of a whiff of daises. It was like letting someone who believes in you more than life itself likely down. As dramatic as that sounded, this is something I did not yearn to do. Thus, I took heed to a lot of actions and pushed aside some of my wants or molded it to try and please the both of us, or honestly to make it look like it did to almost fool myself. But we know that one person you cannot fool...das you honey. In case you were confusion.
Mentally, it was a kill two birds with one stone type of situation whereas, if I'd foreseen that since my inception I could have just popped my head out and said "fuck all of this" Janis Ian style and dealt with whatever hardship that would surely ensue and end up OKAY. That I would have her support in the long run...I would have.

Because the gahdamn pitfalls of life she was attempting to protect me from were not in any way shape or form avoided. In fact I think they were expedited, no ground shipping over here, not even an e-packet. Life has a way of finding you, even if it has to take the back-door. Throw those disappointment thoughts right in the trash where they belong. I'm never saying wildout and get thrown into the streets with your belongings in a lion cloth attached to the end of a stick, respect the people who birthed you into this world as best to your ability but if you want to spread your wings, I recommend not looking back earlier rather than later. You will be okay, you will land of your own two feet, you sure will make mistakes but if not now they would have caught up to you later. This is literally your life.

Relationships can bounce back and can be built back. ~Optimistically~. Regret cannot. Because damn, at the end of the day you're the one living as you. Someone can control your entire life operation..then go back to living theirs. Someone can lead you on and make you believe they have the both of you in mind when really it's just them they're looking out for. This is the best example of why can't you? It's not a crime to be selfish during the only years you literally have complete liberty and even blessings to.

xxoo missusmonroe