Closing A Chapter


In healing you have to suck up your pride and confront your situations. Confront your demons. Because at the end of the day and the first of the month, it’s for you. 
For you.
You’re not pushing your pride aside FOR somebody else or to submit to someone.. you’re doing it for the sacrifice of you and the betterment of no one other than your beautiful ass self.


It's crazy how I wrote this up early last week then I went to an amazingly curated event ~shoutout to Sister Social II~ where guess what the main topic was. 
It shouldn't need to be said, but here I will say it anyway: get to a point where you realize you are actually doing it for yourself and not just telling yourself that... Get to a point where you are healing for you. For my mental health? I need to close some fucking doors and put a lock on some trailing thoughts. I need to actually put things behind me in a manner where they can’t reappear. I need to RID myself. And the only ways I truly do that are feeling my way through it like I’ve described so many times, then literally closing it. I can’t close it if I keep thinking what if and of a possibly make believe future, an “other side”. No it needs to be sealed. 


Freeing yourself is a process. Honestly consider the things in your life that came without work and how many of those things are still around. Freeing myself from school took certain necessary steps. Freeing myself from a location cripple took even more steps. And freeing myself of the last of my mental toxins will take further steps, steps I don’t even agree with half the time, or at least my pride doesn’t (as small as my pride is.. it still exists). My stubbornness tells me otherwise. My attitude definitely screeches otherwise. But in order to be the best of me for my new journey I need to do what I need, not what I want (don't confuse the two). Not do what the person I have someway, somehow, I suppose, portrayed myself to be would do, and for who? Being whomever that "I'll cut a bitch real quick, eowww" for whom? Those you claim you don’t care about right? Right. There's a time and place for all things.My sisters who see me as a strong being who stands their ground? I can and will stand my ground while backtracking and fixing my wrongs or taking the necessary movements to create a better me for tomorrow. One day I’ll be 28 and a grown ass woman with many qualms and burnt bridges because of stubbornness. I don’t actually want that, not for any reason but that I don’t want to walk in this life that way. You can hate me because of me but I want to be at peace with myself and the choices I've chosen in this life.

Even the strongest go through healing, it's such a false narrative and perception that healing is for weak people. "Oh she's going through something again, she has to heal past it." Healing is not just for the sick, it is not for the weak or weak-hearted. Literally, do you understand how strong you have to be both mentally and physically to overcome both mental and physical battles? It takes so much reflection and so much of going into places within that you do not want to tread.

I'm so grateful for these words. These words that just attacked me one early afternoon that I first didn't know where they were going but I knew it'd end in knowledge someway. Turns out these were the same words I was able to use at the Social to hopefully get some other strong women comfortable in healing and their forgiveness process, whatever it may be. The magic in these photos happened at the let-out, in the most organic, powerful way as ever, our melanin of course attracting attention and our blk gal magic and carefree laughs captivating for the gentrified streets of Brooklyn for memories to come.

xxoo missusmonroe



a year ago

NYC Brooklyn Bridge, semester before I graduated January 2017
Last year I was frustrated with a relationship that wouldn’t love me back how I needed it to. Last year I was disappointed in myself through and through. Last year I walked the stage but I didn’t get my diploma just yet. Last year I was the epitome of overwhelmed. Last year I was shunned, seen as a disgrace and a waste of time. Last year I had to swallow my pride. Last year I discovered I had to retake one of my most challenging courses. Last year I had to find a place of my own. Last year I was alone. Last year one of my greatest accomplishments to date was seen as despicable. Last year I didn’t know what would happen.. Last year I was fired. Last year what I thought was my ticket out was an embarrassing shitshow. Last year I watched things align for others and felt as though I could not get my shit together to save my dear life. Last year I had to worry about everybody but myself. Last year I was the epitome of poor. Last year what was supposed to be my day of celebration, I never even got to enjoy. Last year I saw hope, but not a lot of it.



A year later I reflect on my last year, I remember a promise and goal I made to myself. That last May, six months into the future, when I would get my diploma or drop out of school, whichever came first, I’d be out of here a year from that date. I would be pursuing my destination head on and full force and I would not let anyone or anything stop me. A few weeks after finally conferring my degree and during extremely trying times where nothing was looking up, food was sparse, energy low, creativity surprisingly moderate but resources wiped and motivation nearly nonexistent… a door opened and an offer came along with it. At the time I could hardly imagine my same shitshow would turn around and be a saving grace. That it would be my saving grace.

A year ago I never would have imagined not being in contact with certain people I once trusted with my life, never would have imagined so many promises broken. I never would have imagined so much strife, so many laughs, so many tears. God being God and good is an understatement but I’m never not in awe of her work. I am just so proud to actually be aligned with my forseen path, proud to be chosen for blessings yet still. After so many mistakes, after so many fumbles and blatant confusion, after what feels like an eternity of deterrents. And I’m damn proud of myself for always remaining the me that never gives up on me. The me that nobody made to be here but the me who got herself here ~along with my otherworldly guidance. The me that sometimes nobody wants to love but is alright because she has enough love for herself to cover the lost tenfold. Words cannot describe the happiness that moves through my body nor the silent understanding of everything up until this point. Everything and many people had to go in order for me to be given the privilege of living fully and presently in these very moments. To be able to look out these windows onto the bustling, loudass streets and hear the silence in the noise. Things I thought were alignments but clearly showed themselves as non had to literally be shed, ripped from my skin like a python leaving behind her old self, stripped from my heart.. my heart, thoughts, and spirit in order for me to submerge myself, in actuality not in my make-believe that I believe is truth, in my new experiences solely for me. 
Just. Me.
Every first action, every sighting, every solo trip, skip, dance… I may think of the passersby here or the passerby there but I will remember myself first in all of these first moments. These moments don’t get to be given to anybody else. I want them for me. For my keeping, not my sharing.
Last year I had to be worried about so many people, so many moving parts. Last year I was making everything up as I went along, the heaviest of thoughts weighing down my buoyancy. This year I am taking flight. Watch me.

Wall Street, NYC, May 14, 2018. Also known as current day
xxoo missusmonroe

therapeutic



Therapy comes in many forms and faces. 

Yesterday I was feeling a slew of sudden emotions and I did the first thing I’d ever known how, from way back when I was in high school and I felt trapped and misunderstood and mentally abused, I opened a word doc and just wrote any and everything that came to my fingertips. Similar to this. No cute quips, no coyly worded phrases, no amusing banter, I just wrote and cried and wrote and wiped the snot that was an obvious joint package (can you imagine this right here is how I actually just plainly write, it’s amazing. Honestly.) all coincidentally at my work desk. I knew I was feeling things, I knew feelings were just now finally being identified, and I know I am getting past things but I did not know I was carrying such heavy burdens yet still. My plan was to go back and word it up then upload it…then as fate has it later in the day my system account was accidentally deleted.. as was the word file I neglected to save and as were all those nicely identified emotions and fucking feels wrapped in PMS. 
You all know I don’t believe in coincidences. What it actually means…who’s to know but I see that I was supposed to flush those toxins from myself. A purge if you will. Then magically, she willed it so that I would never see them again. There’s so much strange beauty in the unknown. My curiosity will be the death of me; I half wish I could go back into that moment and remember what I said but that’s the joy in it I supposed, I’m not supposed to. It’s all gone along with that up throat of tightly wound, mentally crippling emotions. I usually scowl at emoting so 'excessively' but this was different.
As I save this now, because I need these words, I do recall one word from my frenzy I repeated enough times to have it stick. “miss”. A fleeting emotion that can feel like forever but actually just needs to be felt through its end. Months ago I began and there are many of things and memory-holding places I’ve left behind since then. Even things I never could have imagined “missing”. But as I write this now I feel nothing; no attachment, no sentiment. Only a smirk of completion. I’ll speak more on completion as the days move along and you all come on a right turn on this everlasting journey of mine. Don't worry, it's on your horizon. Until then, don’t fear your therapy.

xxoo missusmonroe

fervently

to be obsessed with yourself. to love yourself fervently.. that's what I've always been about. that's always been an ideal of mine, that's always been the makings of me. If you don't know shit else about me, at least know that.

Something told me to hit a new tab and to form those first sentences. Why? I don't know.. has some shit been on my mind? yes (when is that not the case). Have I not been loving myself? Well, *reflective moment* not to my fullest of extents, no. This can be proven with my lack of writing for one and with other personal things I don't necessarily feel like giving those who should no longer be apart of my life process, privy to knowing. Inspiration is a funny thing. It's like a plant, sometimes it just needs love and that tender care, sometimes it needs to be taken care of before it can take care of you.

Although I've been scarily reflective lately and have been reteaching myself (many of things really) to guard my one eternal reflection of self-obsession, my peace, I don't know where this brewed from or what the fuck I'm saying but I hope it resonated with somebody. I'm sure I'll come to understanding myself later.

xxoo missusmonroe

The Art of Finesse: #WashnGoWars WINNER!





Thank you all for participating! The winner chosen for this first contest is Whitney C., also known as @thedivawhit. Again, thanks to everyone who participated! Stay tuned for the next product giveaway don't be discouraged lol.

see ya!
xxoo missusmonroe

Damage: A Black Woman's History

Black History Month is never over. There is no such thing as a month for us, there is a such thing; however, as a few days for the remainder of you. As the month of February wrapped up though I began to weigh heavily different things that are "worth it" to me and I came across a slew of spoken word ~bro I love me some words spokennnn if ya'didn't know~ and a question remained in my head:

90's/In Living Color inspired outfit: Thrifted everything but eBay glasses, Missguided boots

why don't I protect my peace?

I know my peace exists. I also know I have recently come to rediscover it. I know that it is one of the most, if not the most, valuable jewels on this here Earth. I know that it is a coveted item like that new Gucci Gucci 20infinity y'all be slaving. I know that it is a direct door to my happy and a direct reflection of my mental health. I know that it can be shaken but not easily stirred. And I also know that it is a badass bitch who doesn't take no shit from any intruder tracking in mud. okay.

I also know that I have done an extremely poor job of protecting it.
I flaunt my peace because that is an uncontrollable thing, it is literally the light behind my smile and the cute ass twinkle in my biggie-smalls eyes. I am not careless with it, read carefully because this is important, but I am not exactly selfish with it either. Why am I not selfish, down-right stingy, with the most important thing in this here world and there outerworldliness. As black women we need to protect our shit. We run around chasing everybody and everything attempting to fix situations because in turn that is where we derive our value from. Our source of belonging and need is from what we bring to others, what fixin' can we bring to the table, and then we look internally and are surprised that we in actuality are not happy with ourselves because we look around and see we in actuality don't have much for ourselves, we don't have much to call our own ~as far as receivables go~. And certainly even less when we speak of trye tangibility. Many cannot seem to find that value within themselves when it disincludes anothers' woes..

Where's your peace?

xxoo missusmonroe


An Indisputable Compilation of Exactly What's Holding You Back


The other day I was sitting around, meandering in my thoughts and stumbled upon what I know you need to free yourself of. In the past I've had my fair share of purges and detoxes..recently I've damn near shed multiple skins and felt like I've lived many lives. I'm out and I'm free and I'm clearer than before and there are so many things that have been on my mind. Let's get right to it shall we?
this outfit, a design by me
In the sincerest but tighten-your-shit-bitch way possible, let go of:

1. commitment that's not committed to you

2. that unproductive routine

3. that complacency that's the root of that anxiety you've got there

4. people who love to project their insecurities on you [fucking people who project, period]

5. deterrents

6. that superficial need to belong

7. a heavy heart
   I discovered an earth-shattering dialogue in the most trusted on world wide web scholarly engines (Twitter) that I know you need to hear so here goes it. "People will pretend and play in your face for however long is necessary. Oppression thrives on superficiality. A lot of people are giving you the superficial because they don't know how to give you something authentic. If one cannot be authentic with self... see where I'm going with this? Don't take it personal. It's life. Don't even pity these people; don't judge. Keep your heart light. No resentment. No anger. No grudges. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Free yourself.



Everybody is going through or has gone through. Sometimes these messages are written to help the writer get to the other side as well; we could all be walking along with each other. It's no race. We all have a plethora of metrics on moving on. Stop with the comparisons already, this "they" you speak of could be just as lost as you but pen to tongue on what is known needs to be done allows room for healing of oneself. Make sense?

What do you want in life? As 'simple' as happiness or as complex as a 10 year plan. Chase it. Stop looking back. Everyone will be fine without you or they'll have to learn to be fine. And if your need is to be needed (that lil need to belong as we discussed), we need to stand on our own feet and realize that you all by yourself are enough.

Free yourself.

xxoo missusmonroe


selfish


to be a disappointment.
I think I've felt that before. However, I wish from time to multiple fucking time I could just dish out an ounce of it as it's been ricocheted and happily dashed to me, *cue* young girl skipping down the aisle sprinkling, instead of petals, wads of a treat named disappointment.


Maybe even just the opportunity.. given the opportunity to do so, not necessarily the actual act. I like to say that I make decisions for me, that I, relatively speaking, live for myself but up until this point in life that's not entirely true. So to then say I want to go out and purposefully dish what comes to me is a dick hard rock solid, no. I wouldn't. It's one of those things that feels good to yell or poignantly cock your head full of high-ponytailed braids and say, you know like when you're faking cussing your "man" out with that false attitude nestled in the curl of your lips and the roll in your eye...right before you take him right back: in reality, would you really? These days, especially recently I've experienced my fair share of disappointments. Gifting that to someone would be unnecessary. I've trusted, I've believed, I've discovered continuous lies and  have been fed what was to make me look another way. I'm not dealing with shit in any way or shape shifting form it comes to me.

Throughout my life I never actually cared about being a *dramatic noise* "disappointment". Hindsight, I think that's likely because I didn't really have much to worry about in that facet. All the disappointment roles in my family tree were taken. It was honestly just too easy to follow directions; in fact, it would take a whole lot more of my energy and brain capacity to do the exact opposite of what was asked of me. Because it was never much! 


go to school. okay, get on the bus. get good grades. okay, this shit is actually easy.
My siblings had been rebellious from their departure from the womb, their prerogative, and me I just minded my business. If my mother asked something of me that I didn't see as difficult, I just did not see why I needed to go out of my way and go against it. Not to ever say I didn't get in trouble or get cast  as the poster-girl for a deeply ingrained horrid attitude, because I did, but I guess you could say it was like a grey pot against charcoal. Which would you prefer? Lesser evils if you wish. This was a set up for a lot of pressure on myself.



I had a pressure to follow what my mother wanted for my life at some point, when I got old enough to evaluate my freedom situation which hadn't been a situation until it became a situation... Especially freedom in action, not just opinion. Seeing as though my mother had a full plate with the football team of us and if you have one child that actually listens from time-to-time, they are sort of a whiff of daises. It was like letting someone who believes in you more than life itself likely down. As dramatic as that sounded, this is something I did not yearn to do. Thus, I took heed to a lot of actions and pushed aside some of my wants or molded it to try and please the both of us, or honestly to make it look like it did to almost fool myself. But we know that one person you cannot fool...das you honey. In case you were confusion.
Mentally, it was a kill two birds with one stone type of situation whereas, if I'd foreseen that since my inception I could have just popped my head out and said "fuck all of this" Janis Ian style and dealt with whatever hardship that would surely ensue and end up OKAY. That I would have her support in the long run...I would have.



Because the gahdamn pitfalls of life she was attempting to protect me from were not in any way shape or form avoided. In fact I think they were expedited, no ground shipping over here, not even an e-packet. Life has a way of finding you, even if it has to take the back-door. Throw those disappointment thoughts right in the trash where they belong. I'm never saying wildout and get thrown into the streets with your belongings in a lion cloth attached to the end of a stick, respect the people who birthed you into this world as best to your ability but if you want to spread your wings, I recommend not looking back earlier rather than later. You will be okay, you will land of your own two feet, you sure will make mistakes but if not now they would have caught up to you later. This is literally your life.

Relationships can bounce back and can be built back. ~Optimistically~. Regret cannot. Because damn, at the end of the day you're the one living as you. Someone can control your entire life operation..then go back to living theirs. Someone can lead you on and make you believe they have the both of you in mind when really it's just them they're looking out for. This is the best example of why can't you? It's not a crime to be selfish during the only years you literally have complete liberty and even blessings to.

xxoo missusmonroe

HOW TO Dispose of These Niggas in 2018 (And Keep Them There)

captured by @iamt.t
We're about a month into the new year and you might have already slipped into old habits, .. or rather he did.. you catch the drift. It is, however, never too late to leave a dude in the past if he is no longer up to a par, standard, or he's simply just f'ing up. Y'all know me by now, it's highly encouraged, it's preached, praised..outright glorified. Yes, I am well aware it is 22 days into 2018, but it is never too late to get rid of a 2017 nigga! (And while we're at it, let's just be honest: many of y'all are still latching on to 2015 so let us not get wrapped up in dates but rather focus on the end goal) A past year, in the new year, a future year...it's just never too late to remind a dude there's plenty of him wherever he came from, alright.

the face of a woman with the tea
Below lies your carefully crafted, no chaser guide from a professional snip snipper, never-ever-met..cher.. Get into it:

1. Self-love yourself rotten.
  • take that pole dancing class you swear is only for exercise. Stuff your mouth with as many dicks as you'd like, making men weak in the knees and fall in love only for you to leave them on read. If that actually makes you happy (discover your real happiness) and gives you a positivity to add to your life, well then why not? (okay STIs are a why not but of course after verifying that)


2. Stop with the mental pet-names.
  • stop with the googoo-gaga. Stop calling him what was in the past and begin to call him what's in the future: nothing. rid yourself of the endearment; it no longer exists, it's no longer genuine and if it's no longer genuine, you no longer have room for it in your life. period.

3. Tattoo "BLOCKED" on your forehead in Rockwell Condensed font.
  • block if your best friend, as is that little unfollow button. You need a purge, a cleanse, not a constant irritation. And remember, if it's not in Rockwell, it doesn't count.


4. In one ear and out the other *in my best Belcalis voice*
  • if he finds God thus granting him someway and somehow communication with you, see number 4, do not allow any of his words cascade into your spirit. Take it with a grain of salt and dust it off like a feather. Once his words begin to mean rat's ass to you, you're in a great space.


5. If you don't have nonchalant in you, cut the ties
  • know yourself. If you know you're possessive, aggressive, jealous, easily agitated...do yourself a solid and stay away from triggers, ie him. Quit trying to convince yourself "it's just one text/response" .. after deleting then recreating yet another thread of his. You ain't even built for all this.

6. If you must respond to him, 
  • which you never do, be sure to explain just how much of his business you are (none.)

7. Invest in your hobbies.
  • every time you think of him, his nameor see his face, do something for you. Finish a project you only mentally started, find a hidden talent. something. Don't just try to keep yourself busy but keep yourself creative, keep yourself mentally stimulated, keep yourself motivated to do everything you might have put down or neglected for the attention of another

8. Conserve your energy.
  • be greedy. I mean, you deserve it right? (the answer is yes)

9. Stop listening to the mumble lies.
  • and this doesn't end with him

10. Stop settling.
  • you might not have to cut so many niggas off if you didn't frolic with the first dude  who paid you some mind. Regardless of what you're looking for, a FWB, a relationship, a dick, realize you're a one of a kind woman and this is still your energy you're putting out there. Protect it.

Thrifted white chinese collar shirt, Coley's stolen sweater, Nordstrom Rack skirt, American Apparel socks, Zara boots

11. Stop trying to forget the memories.

  • remember them. When they come to mind think through them, recall the details. then get over them

12. Who the fuck are you?!
  • remind yourself of that. And when you're going good, doing better, remind yourself again, there's no need to go back to a past. Cause you know good and well that's exactly when a nigga remembers that he "misses you around".
xxoo missusmonroe



Little Havana

Considering (and realizing) that my last blog post was regarding my trip in Cuba, I guess this post is only fitting! I recently returned from a 3 week trip in Asia, which I hope to discuss and post about soon. I'm still trying to get over jetlag and decompress from everything. I went to a friend's birthday brunch at a cute place called "Little Havana", where it was it's own stand alone building, brightly colored and petite. Here are some photos below!








 Bisous,
Sade

First Founders Day VLOG. Chatty Chatty GRWM

HOLISLAY | Last minute Holiday looks

union market shit.



This wrap-up post is long overdue, but what else is new? I mean, other than the hundreds of new readers and dwellers; hello hello cousins, welcome, pop a squat.


First of all, let me say my dear foodies who have been waiting for their time to shine, our time is now! emporiyum. What you may ask, the hell is that. Well, it's a cute curated collection of natural, home-grown, or just plain good healthy food with a dash a meats, emphasis on the dash that shit was gone so quick..., a sprinkle of sweets, and a dribble of teas. All lined up covering two floors in the outdoorsy space of Union Market, discounts prepped, samples ready.


They,empori..ers, actually define this network as a "one-of-a-kind food marketplace featuring the tastiest treats from around the country. Discover delicious foods and purchase thoughtful gifts and top-quality products from a lineup of artisans you won’t find anywhere else". music, drank, the whole shebang.

We were all pure and virgins to this, my friends to family, my bigs and some of my LS, so we all ventured together into this not so blackish sorta unknown. Mind you we had a decent idea of how the event was going to go down but had never experienced it.

Well, first we were going to buy tickets to the 11 AM designation. The way it was arranged was there were a multitude of ticket options. But specific to our bank account's wants and needs, there was the "regular entry" which I believe had a skip line incentive for 11 AM on day 2 and then there was the "late entry" option which meant entering at 1:30. Groupon told us we needed that 11 AM ticket okay and we neglected to argue. We also neglected to buy the tickets.




Luckily the tickets didn't sell out but we definitely went for the..less demanding option of the 1:30 time entry.
Alright fast-forward to our grand entrance. Thankfully there was no line, we strolled right on in, our stomachs shamefully growling therefore our hopes inadvertently high. From there it was just a walking game. Or in our case a who-can-finagle-the-most-out-of-these-booths competition. Of course the more water the food entices from your mouth, the tighter the booth-owners are clutching onto the freebies so it really just turned into who can get drunk quicker off of their honey wine. Yes you heard me...read me correctly. Wine made out of honey. Ladies and gentlemen we are capable of all things.


I stumbled upon Zest tea which I had coincidentally been researching not even a week before the event. Tired of suffering from shitty-booty, along with the rest of the 3 floors of my office, I was looking for a different caffeine option. Also knowing I hate tea, I still was hearing out the option lol. It's actually almost creepy how I walked up to their booth, not knowing their company name and even if I did I wouldn't have recognized it and literally saying yeah I hate tea, but I've been looking for this tea with more caffeine that coffee...oh shoot that's you guys! I tried some, hated some but actually tasted a few I wouldn't wretch at the smell. I was able to buy single sachets and I think I'll do a review on it because my first impression was almost too good. I planned on buying 5, they were a dollar each and I was super satisfied, then the booth guy who had been making some eyes that I routinely ignored, threw like 5 more my way after I paid. Now...I will not say no to such a thoughtful gesture. fin.a.gle.


 




Funny enough, this is where things began to get interesting. Chyna ended up getting into an oral brawl in one of those "uber vs. lyft" arguments..with a lyft rep, in leaving we stumbled ~said very loosely. more so were plopped right into~ a Jesus themed food RV filled with what I could swear on life were male strippers of the middle east, and finally we found ourselves in a hipster pub that only sold rum. Turn of events, I'll say.

We split ways after this and what turned into the typical carpool-drop-off scenario was suddenly hijacked into a search for seafood...in Maryland. Which should not have been an enduring task for obvious reasons yet alas, lol we roamed for hours before finally settling onnnnn one of the first places we started on to begin with! Headaches. Classicly one of my best days.



This outfit, much like many things I've been putting together lately, was just thrown together but with a little more effort than I've been normally giving. I believe this is contributing to my bottomless pit of sadness because I really do enjoy sitting and thinking of ensembles, piecing things together is so so very therapeutic. Lately I haven't even really been in much of the mood. No good. This skirt was supposed to arrive earlier than it did so I basically recreated the 'fit I was going to wear with it, just with a different top and shoes seeing as though I actually outdid its combo already (when clothes arrive late but you still make it look sexy).

Don't mind my mood, I hate it when I imagine something is going to be a way, visually you all know how I get with my visuals, and it doesn't work out. I can only get mad at and to myself about it because I'm the only one! who knows the potential and what it could've otherwise looked like. Nobody else and not that anybody even cares as much in any case. I had envisioned the editing going in a whole other direction for this. But seeing as though I've been going through some thangs lately and more than definitely dragging my feet to even open my closet let alone thinking through an editing difficulty. Anyway, yes my adventures with emporiyum have temporarily paused with high hopes of crashing their food party again in the future ;)

xxoo missusmonroe