Taking it Back.
There's no doubt in this world I'm the reigning professional of letting shit go. I'm the connoisseur of cutting ties. 30 day return? No problem, it's back on your shelf the day after purchase.. I'm good at the shit. I'm great at stripping emotion. I'm amazing at starting over... these past few days I've been mad. I've been angry then in denial about the anger because I didn't want to be mad but the emotion would not escape from me. I tried ignoring it, I tried distractions, I told myself truths but none of it helped. I couldn't run from it because I was meant to get to this very moment of clarity and realization. I realized I did not want to get to this moment simply because I know myself, I know how I am, I know my tendencies. The great thing about me and one of my favorite traits is that once I let go? Oh baby there's no return. No takesies-backsies. No part II of my Confessions. No collect 200, it's done. And you know what?... I've been holding on. There's something that was in my life that I was never supposed to allow to enter. It all seemed right at some point until it was clear in my being it was very not. I'm mad at myself because I recognized that voice and I let it slide. I let it slide because at the time it wasn't necessarily wrong. But the thing about things or people that are not necessarily wrong is that they sure aren't right though. And you were not right. I can go on and list the things I've written for myself to never allow happen again because of you, I can be upset about those things but what's reigning true is me not being 100% true to me. I'm not that person who doesn't listen to myself and although I know life was at its hardest then and my judgement was everything but aligned... I should have never let you in.
I've been running from my ownership in that because owning would mean I know I have to do something about it. And I knew I'd know exactly what needed to be done and in reality I didn't want to complete the loop. I didn't want to seal it..because I knew that once I did that there was no coming back. My emotions are a funny thing; they're like reserves. My true emotions cannot be available to everyone and those they are lent to, once they're misused they will never be borrowed from again.
I take it back. I take back my offers of peace. I take back my laughs. I take back the information about myself I should have never said. I take back my private smiles. I take back the twinkle in my eyes. I take back anything that ever made you feel like my emotions were true. I take back every I love you. I take back every offer of friendship cause I'm a damn good friend. I take back the thought that you could have deserved anything. I take back every loyal action. I take back any belief or forceful belief in any promise. I take back every helping hand. I take back every second spent confused. I take back every exhausted moment spent awake. I take back all of the selflessness. I take back the experience of me. I take back my coveted love. I take back my care. I take back my stories. I take back the sound of my voice. I take back my thoughts. I take back bearing your pain. I take back the patience of the baggage that was the only experience of you, you must have thought I deserved. I take back every "it's okay", and every "it's not okay". I take back every single first. I take back my goofy grins. I take back my stress over your insecurities. I take back every feeling of needing to make up where you lacked. I take back the raw, vulnerable, broken down, insightful me. I take back my dreams. I take back my aspirations. I take back my inspiration.
I'm glad I could help you get to your other side. We all serve a purpose in one another's life. You could never find yours.. it's funny because I guess I have always known mine. I know I'll be in everything but I'm taking me back, completely and whole-ly. I'm far too great of a gift to wait aimlessly for sense that will never come. One can't buy intellect you know. I am far too aware there are no mistake here so therefore mistakes don't exist, but I've forgiven myself regardless. That's who I am, that's who I'll always be. To be so young and wanting to give all of me and just fall is almost honorable. The fall never happened. And you know what, it's okay. Honestly this time, not just that shit to make you feel better.
As I take a deep ass relieving breath and I'm stretching again and I'm caring for myself on this harbor and tension.. I just smile. Because there's a reason I had to not let go, there's a reason I had to hang on and overstay just a little bit because if not, I wouldn't see you for who you actually resemble in life. I would not be here in this present moment with all that I know; I'd be living off of a false conclusion I supplied myself (and we all know how I feel about the truth)... there's nothing I would give up to not feel as alive and in tune as I've come to claim over this year+.
Oh I feel so powerful and I feel so clear. I've always known what had to be done. I was just so generous..that won't be a problem anymore. All returns are final.
[PMS always gets me.]
xxoo missusmonroe
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