therapeutic
Therapy comes in many forms and faces.
Yesterday I was feeling a slew of sudden emotions and I did
the first thing I’d ever known how, from way back when I was in high school and
I felt trapped and misunderstood and mentally abused, I opened a word doc and
just wrote any and everything that came to my fingertips. Similar to this. No
cute quips, no coyly worded phrases, no amusing banter, I just wrote and cried
and wrote and wiped the snot that was an obvious joint package (can you imagine
this right here is how I actually just plainly write, it’s amazing. Honestly.) all coincidentally at
my work desk. I knew I was feeling things, I knew feelings were just now finally being identified, and I know I am getting past things but I did not know I was carrying
such heavy burdens yet still. My plan was to go back and word it up then upload
it…then as fate has it later in the day my system account was accidentally
deleted.. as was the word file I neglected to save and as were all those nicely
identified emotions and fucking feels wrapped in PMS.
You all know I don’t
believe in coincidences. What it actually means…who’s to know but I see that I
was supposed to flush those toxins from myself. A purge if you will. Then
magically, she willed it so that I would never see them again. There’s so much
strange beauty in the unknown. My curiosity will be the death of me; I half
wish I could go back into that moment and remember what I said but that’s the
joy in it I supposed, I’m not supposed to. It’s all gone along with that up
throat of tightly wound, mentally crippling emotions.
I usually scowl at emoting so 'excessively' but this was different.
As I save this now, because I need these words, I do recall one
word from my frenzy I repeated enough times to have it stick. “miss”. A
fleeting emotion that can feel like forever but actually just needs to be felt
through its end. Months ago I began and there are many of things and
memory-holding places I’ve left behind since then. Even things I never could
have imagined “missing”. But as I write this now I feel nothing; no attachment,
no sentiment. Only a smirk of completion. I’ll speak more on completion as the
days move along and you all come on a right turn on this everlasting journey of
mine. Don't worry, it's on your horizon. Until then, don’t fear your therapy.
xxoo missusmonroe
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