Giving Myself My Flowers
Everything about me has been shifting and I mean pre-pandemic. In my most recent post where I highlighted feelings of displacement and the not so cute but rather confusing parts of transitioning, I also touched on clarity. Remember that?
I remember a few weeks of working from home I was in a state of frustration and prayed that everything that’s not for me should just go away, that “I don’t even want to see that shit”. And that I wanted peace and clarity, I wanted to see only that in which I was to see. Maybe two days later, that Monday there was a massive second round furloughs. Funny enough, and I know everybody cannot say this but, that was literally the best thing that happened to me at the time. I could fucking think again. It was as if, instantly, all the haze and blur cleared up.
I wrote down my intentions, I wrote down what I wanted instead of just it being in my head so that I could say the same thing every day, out loud. Not in the chant-like corny way but a positive, confident statement. I think there's power in repetition and I did not want to forget exactly what I'd wanted when I received it. And against all odds I set out to believe in myself when these niggas had the nerve to tell me not to. This past year, nearly to date in fact, I’d been trying to pivot my career, it had basically consumed my life because it was the determinant for a lot of things. I couldn't get my new apartment without a new job, I couldn't continue to build my fashion 9-5 without it and continue my plans of taking it all to my own business without it. Do you know the stress of when everything seems to be banking on one thing? That there's a domino effect and that you can't seem to jump to the next task without operating in order. To say the least, it's very frustrating. And I think it’s so funny, sarcasm, the people who are supposed to be helping you, as in it’s their job and shit, are actually the ones minimizing and gaslighting. I thank them for claiming they saw my vision but did not actually believe in my capability. Because that might have mad me trusting and lazy. But my network, my very own stubborn mind, and my friends who checked up on me, who lent an ear, who lent a resource, made sure I saw it to another side
Despite what these online critics say, I’ll be the first to tell you believing in yourself when the world is not affirming your affirmations, when things are not going your way is fucking hard. IT'S NOT EASY. It feels like in that moment you're going against the world. But I will tell you betting on yourself is never not worth it.
For the first time in a very very long time, I am in the moment, my moment. I’m not thinking about 100,00 things at once.. maybe just 1,000 things hahahaha ~sincerely~
I can smell my flowers, I can breathe, and I am grateful to begin this journey of full transition. And it's been hard too! That's another word to tell, it has not been easy but I cannot tell you it has not been worth it.
Be kind to yourself. Check yourself but also congratulate yourself. You can never be late on a trip to your own destiny.
xxoo missusmonroe
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