12:02 AM missusmonroe 0 Comments

I embarked on my last final of my last Fall semester of my last year as an undergraduate. That feels awesome to say. It's been really rough for me this time around for what I feel are now uncountable reasons.. There really aren't that many but yknow how feels go. I realized the stress that had been perpetuating in accumulation was different this time around as compared to past semesters. Before I had been worried about funds and acing classes, graduating on time, making myself proud. Getting to this point where I am now. But as I was seeing the debris of obstacles finally  clearing up, I was faced with fresh turmoil.

It took me more than a couple of frustrated nights and a heated argument for it to dawn on me. This pitfall of a feeling and anxiety was riddled in being so very over this chapter ..and not having my next be as secure as I wanted it to. Being completely aware nothing was going to be perfect, I just didn't anticipate this difficulty of circumstances in general. I didn't anticipate a stripping of motivation that literally had a crippling effect. It was like trying to magically conjure up something that does not even exist yet..and not even knowing that's what you're trying to do. It just wasn't happening.
It's confusing honestly. And I realized it's so easy to say "live in the moment" when the moment is joyous even just enjoyable. You don't see nobody saying that shit at funerals; you want to live outside of that moment.

I smile bright because I'm honestly so relieved half of this academic year is over. And I'm still anxious about the place in which my life puzzle pieces will end up landing or settling but that's all in the hands of the future and God. It's crazy, you could have a plan all your life and still end up in the same circumstance and emotional hurdles as someone clueless as to where they want their life to go. Keep your head up.

xxoo missusmonroe