Seeds of Doubt

9:08 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

You know what's really crazy? Having a conversation with someone who was influential in your life, or that you just thought was cool, who might have at one point advised you not to do something or told you offhandedly you couldn't do something. To find out years later that they actually thought so highly of you. That they admired you, were inspired by you. They thought you were brilliant even though you could swear you remember little instances of them calling you dumb or maybe not smart enough. And they told you not to do a thing or things because ultimately they needed everyone to feel the fear they felt when ideas, thoughts, or pursuing endeavors came to mind. They tell you years later that you were always capable of doing anything and everything, that you moved with no fear; meanwhile they would say the exact opposite, seemingly no big deal, no big argument just comments here and there. They planted their fears masked in words of doubt. Your previously pure ears caught wind and it first started with second guessing before moving and later grew into something much bigger.

I wish when I was younger someone told me not to listen to what anybody had to say, including themselves. I wish someone told me not to believe adults because adults have a tendency of passing on the same fear they were handed.

Being told to be realistic killed a lot of our dreams. It killed or dimmed the light on all the dreams I made the mistake of telling others. See look, even calling them that. Why do they have to be dreams? Why can't they just be a future reality? I want to hear "what do you want to achieve in the future?" not "what's your biggest dream?" Dream has the connotation of a chase, it surrounds the word with an imaginative essence or else there wouldn't be a difference in feeling from when you hear dreams and when you hear reality.

I feel like it all begins with second guessing. Doubt pushes its way through easily when second guessing...hesitation has already greased the walls.

When doubts are present? Oh baby, just about anything can happen from there. Fear is only a kiss away and fear!? Fear convinces you you're going to lose.

Fear knocks out passion, faith, your gut feeling.. shit fear erases your gut and calls itself "the real world". There are facts and then there's fear.

Have you ever worked so hard for something? I mean, it's as if you beat all odds even getting to the point where you could think and explain this thing in detail because how did you get to the point of being afforded the opportunities to even know of such thing? Have you ever worked so hard and so long for something, as in you took a complete risk on yourself, you exceeded your own expectations with how far you'd come? You didn't have the acumen, the experience, the network, the vocabulary even, shit. All you had was self, the knowledge you did carry from previous experiences or work, your support system, And yet, you did it. You achieved it. You got the yes. Then day one comes or weeks later and that foreign knowledge is being tossed around like a salad, everything is moving so fast, you're in complete information overload, you're being told the expectations are one calm thing but the questions are another anxiety ridden thing.

Then there goes that feeling... maybe you're not even supposed to be here. Maybe you thought you'd be good at this but you clearly won't be. Maybe you aren't as smart as you sold yourself to be. It's like every affirmation that was confirmed and hailed at the congratulations to yourself is now what? Doubt.

I think we fear hurdles because what exactly comes after them? Fear is comforting as backwards as it sounds. And I say this for you but I most importantly say this to myself. Fear is comforting because what exactly is on the other side of that hurdle? Luckily I know, it's called the unknown. Have you ever seen someone close to you, someone tangible reach whatever you call a "success"? If so, you're likely not so fearful of it, you've seen it happen it's not something new, it comes with such and such territory. If you haven't had direct access to someone succeed at what your fear is inhibiting you from pursuing then you, even just subconsciously understand that at least with fear, there are no surprises. Fear is familiar.

Being afraid is completely disrespectful to myself and being afraid is disrespectful to God. For a fact. As if you  haven't gotten through hell and back before? As if I you hadn't worked so hard to get to the point you'd prayed so hard for? And then have the audacity to get so close or get to the other side and now you’re afraid?? Or now you doubt you can do it or worse, succeed? I'm incredulous and like hell fucking yeah at the same time. It’s this constant opposition fight that’s senseless but all the more understandable, simultaneously.

It's like saying you're afraid of being alone. How, when you've already been alone? How can you fear putting your application forward when you've already been put in a position where your application could even be accepted? How can you be afraid of what you've already been given you the power to handle?

I tend to have to remind myself: your future is already determined we're simply working our way to get there. God has gone ahead of you already. There should be comfort in, if anything, that.

People will discourage you when your visionary bigger than their reality.

xxoo missusmonroe

"your fear was fueled by your doubt but your doubt should've been controlled by your faith."