things and such

9:41 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

Life is of this constant ebb and flow.

If there's one thing about life it's that it is consistently flowing. Everything must have its balance, whether we see it now or later. But you know this. I hate being that repetitive voice that only repeats what is actually already well known. I would hate to be that shit cause I truly hate that shit.

I don't know what compelled me to begin this with life as the opener but I've been repeating that sentence ever since it first popped into my head. And repeating it so I didn't forget I had to write it. I guess there’s something calming about the shit, that regardless of the matter with every tide comes some peace and stillness.

I'm currently trying to talk myself out of a weird mood, as this week began parallel to trash and today ended a little unexpectedly. But as I sit here, waiting for words to find me I'm feeling a bit.. well there's no way to describe it but "blah". A bit humbled in a way. I'm not upset nor am I sad or disappointed, but just that feeling at the back of your cheek that comes with being humbled or sat back down. Ebb.

Thankfully, I've been a bit encouraged as of late and oriented for the first time in many weeks so that's what is actually likely keeping me from sadness or a rotten attitude. For somebody who barely has things go her way without busting her whole ass for it, I feel like life still feels the need to remind me not everything will go my way? As in...bitch I know that, I live in this! Momentary pause in articulation, cause how you gon try to tell me! Like I’m new to this or something? Anyway, it was a cute attempt, innocent almost.

In all of this meander I stumbled upon a mirage of mind and still unbeknownst to me, I'm not sure why I find it interesting that I really picked up my bags to pursue a life I wanted and I'm actually living it. Like actually, here. Imperfect but for damn sure close-ish. Black women in fashion in an industry we made, now we are convinced to believe it's some upper echelon thing, some delicacy and achievement to get into a space that wouldn't have been possible without us and our ultimate influence. We are the influence! We are what’s trending, we are style.

I've been thinking these days about perception. How yes, things are not as they appear to be but that we have everything to do with that and in fact, they aren't what they appear to be because we want it to be that way. It gives us something to believe in. It allows us to create a world outside of what we’ve confined ourself in and called our possibilities.

Sometimes things appear to be at some sort of a standstill. Things haven't necessarily been going my way lately but I think in this odd way they have, I think they appear to not be because of how I want to see it or how I want it to be seen. But in due time it will reveal itself to be exactly that of my imagination. Or maybe I couldn't conceptualize it because it is actually bigger than my thoughts.
I've also been ruminating on wants versus needs and this conception of how I conceptualize getting to my wants and how God usually bursts my manicured bubble and cute little laid out path and forces me into a need.

It's really easy to talk about these things, needs versus wants, perception, how things may not work out, when you're on another side of striving. It's exceptionally easy when you've just achieved a goal. When you just secured an opportunity. When you've done whatever it is you do knowing your Instagram audience will fawn over. I sincerely hate those "it was so hard to truth and belief, but somehow I did and now look!" when you've crossed the boundaries. Like bitch where are those words when you’re in the mud?

This has been well all over the place and yet it’s followed a pattern of thoughts that follow each other and build, as they’ve been building and fermenting in my mind. I’ve been trying to feed it.