A Transitional Era

3:56 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

Well. Where are the words for right now, honestly? I hope and deeply wish this finds you in a place of wellness and mental stability  because I know it's been .. just a damn pivotal time. I can speak for myself that this incarceration-- I mean quarantine has absolutely had its great ups and reflective ass downs, bringing it home as just a particularly trying time.

One thing, well among many things as you'll see, I can advise with confidence is not to force yourself into anything right now just because everyone appears to be active, or productive, or creative, or or or. From day one to  day ?? of this lockdown I have the same sentiments that this time is for you, take time for you in whatever that means to you. For the majority of you all I know that means rest. Well deserved rest, not looking at a screen an hour before closing your eyes rest, stretching your limbs rest, unfurrowing your eyebrows rest. You get what I'm saying?? I for sure needed a deep cleanse and this time to really feel again. And to feel what resting meant.

When this mess began I was really happy actually. Obviously not for the circumstances that got us here and the affects, the deaths and ailments that have been very much so real. But I was happy because for months and months I was so tired of going into work, I was exhausted getting up and "showing up" I just wanted to be present at home. I wished and wished, kept saying aloud I wish I could just work from home, it would be so much more comfortable for me. I wanted to multitask, I wanted to be able to sit on my bed or couch and do work related activities along with completing shit I wanted to do as well. Well that's literally what I got. Now although it came with massive caveats, it's what I got ~insert blogger professional term of lol~

All should've been well but that first week I was sick, crippled with  nauseating migraines from hours and hours of looking at a multitude of screens and probably also confinement in general. After that hump though it was pretty much smooth sailing, aside from work changes but with me and myself I was proud of my navigation. I allowed myself to be as productive, and how I define productive, as I wanted to be. And some weight of the backlog in projects was finally lightening up. I literally stayed in my house for about 23 days, as in no stores, no walks no nothing, in fact the most I did was take the trash out and get a package from my doorstep. That shit is crazy. But I say that to say I've really been stuck with myself, which for me is a great thing because I don't fear myself and I love my company. I love being around me. I love having me to myself.
But bitch when I say I reached a dirty core I had to reach and finally pull to the light, finally say aloud so I can strive for a higher version of it and that was the beginning of my breaking point?? This past week has been hell (relative to when this was originally written), and yes I'm reporting live from amidst of it because we know how I hate over the river and through the woods, only when I've reached the rainbow ass stories. What about the pudgy, wincing midsection? What about the meat? Why can you only speak of your hurdle with an "overcoming" story, why not raw, uncut, no fluff and fillers? Too transparent I suppose. 

But many weeks ago, right before all of this, I was talking to a friend of this current time but before it actually happened. And how I was going through so many differing things and facing so much tension and essentially conflicts in what's usually my normalcy or what should've been working. And he said to me, I think you're going through a transitional point right now. I couldn't have agreed more because that's exactly how I'd been feeling. And right now could literally not solidify this any more than it has.

And it's cute to say I'm transitioning, it's a very buttercup word and it frames things in a positive light. Which of course it necessary for your mental but to be quite frank this shit is not cute. It was whimsical at first but baby.. it is hard. It is frustrating. It is .. displacing. I'm going to be completely honest that I've been feeling far more lost than I've experienced in a very long time and it's because all these doors are being closed on me so it's challenging where the door meant for me is. If something is my purpose and meant for me, why is it hiding? And if the next response is that I'm not looking in the right place I'm still questioning why it's not revealing itself. It's for me right?? Right. Confusing.

So many things have changed and turned upside down these past four months it's truly unbelievable. All I'm asking for is clarity and preparation for my time. I'm asking for clarity upon your future, even just your tomorrow as well. Don't forget to do the things that help you breathe a little easier, smile a little harder. And be kind to yourself, we're all making it.

xxoo missusmonroe