Soul of a Lion

Life is of this constant ebb and flow.

If there's one thing about life it's that it is consistently flowing. Everything must have its balance, whether we see it now or later. But you know this. I hate being that repetitive voice that only repeats what is actually already well known. I would hate to be that shit cause I truly hate that shit.

I don't know what compelled me to begin this with life as the opener but I've been repeating that sentence ever since it first popped into my head. And repeating it so I didn't forget I had to write it. I guess there’s something calming about the shit, that regardless of the matter with every tide comes some peace and stillness.

I'm currently trying to talk myself out of a weird mood, as this week began parallel to trash and today ended a little unexpectedly. But as I sit here, waiting for words to find me I'm feeling a bit.. well there's no way to describe it but "blah". A bit humbled in a way. I'm not upset nor am I sad or disappointed, but just that feeling at the back of your cheek that comes with being humbled or sat back down. Ebb.

Thankfully, I've been a bit encouraged as of late and oriented for the first time in many weeks so that's what is actually likely keeping me from sadness or a rotten attitude. For somebody who barely has things go her way without busting her whole ass for it, I feel like life still feels the need to remind me not everything will go my way? As in...bitch I know that, I live in this! Momentary pause in articulation, cause how you gon try to tell me! Like I’m new to this or something? Anyway, it was a cute attempt, innocent almost.

In all of this meander I stumbled upon a mirage of mind and still unbeknownst to me, I'm not sure why I find it interesting that I really picked up my bags to pursue a life I wanted and I'm actually living it. Like actually, here. Imperfect but for damn sure close-ish. Black women in fashion in an industry we made, now we are convinced to believe it's some upper echelon thing, some delicacy and achievement to get into a space that wouldn't have been possible without us and our ultimate influence. We are the influence! We are what’s trending, we are style.

I've been thinking these days about perception. How yes, things are not as they appear to be but that we have everything to do with that and in fact, they aren't what they appear to be because we want it to be that way. It gives us something to believe in. It allows us to create a world outside of what we’ve confined ourself in and called our possibilities.

Sometimes things appear to be at some sort of a standstill. Things haven't necessarily been going my way lately but I think in this odd way they have, I think they appear to not be because of how I want to see it or how I want it to be seen. But in due time it will reveal itself to be exactly that of my imagination. Or maybe I couldn't conceptualize it because it is actually bigger than my thoughts.
I've also been ruminating on wants versus needs and this conception of how I conceptualize getting to my wants and how God usually bursts my manicured bubble and cute little laid out path and forces me into a need.

It's really easy to talk about these things, needs versus wants, perception, how things may not work out, when you're on another side of striving. It's exceptionally easy when you've just achieved a goal. When you just secured an opportunity. When you've done whatever it is you do knowing your Instagram audience will fawn over. I sincerely hate those "it was so hard to truth and belief, but somehow I did and now look!" when you've crossed the boundaries. Like bitch where are those words when you’re in the mud?

This has been well all over the place and yet it’s followed a pattern of thoughts that follow each other and build, as they’ve been building and fermenting in my mind. I’ve been trying to feed it.

I know someone is tired of seeing 2020 is for clear vision.

Although I could agree with the sentiments..it's corny and overused at this point. However, howeverrrr, I will put my bias and judgmental enough spirit aside and piggyback on its actual point. I eluded on twitter dot com that I was attempting to gather words I hadn't already said what feels like a million times but we just have to harp again how 2019 was just not it. Not that it was a horrible year but it was tired before it even started if we're being honest. 2019 was work, it was so much work!

Now let's get something straight, it was not worse than 2018. I don't think anything could be worse than 2018..aside from 2017 but stay focused with me here, 2018 was slaving work all year round while last year was difficult paralleled just with lighter moments. The greatest thing about last year was the resounding feeling of hope surrounding all of that hard work. Last year was hopeful, as hopeful as it could be following a tumultuous year like 2018. In all seriousness, 2019 was the year of light because of the magnetic and undeniable feeling of what the next year was sure to bring.

For whatever reasoned ordained, as last year was rounding up, as in after our super Hot, Girrrl summer, the greatness of fashion week, the Libra takeover that was my birthday month, then straight into the depression of all of the above being over, colder weather, and daylight being broke as hell and saving all it damn could, I was literally left with no choice but to think of the next year coming. And every time I would think of 2020 I would for no reason at all feel good. 2020 felt good before it even began.

I suppose it's just the law of nature. You keep working hard at something, something will come out of it. Pressure makes diamonds.

2019 I stumbled upon and collaborated with so many artists, creative minds, and visual geniuses.. so many that I truly didn't realize it far exceeded 10 until I sat down and attempted to make a post out of it (thanks for the reminders Instagram limitations). I'm grateful for the people around me but I'm even more grateful for these energies I just bring in and connect with. In some proclamation shit, I want to be more intentional with this this year but honestly and truly.. I LOVE how things "magically" fall into place or really how we literally fall right into our destiny. Our predetermined paths. Because I don't think anything is by chance.

It's not by chance I started 2019 off in a job where my boss literally hated me and not even halfway through the month separated with the company. It's not by chance this was right before catching a flight across the world all by myself to one of the most peaceful and spiritual places in the world only to come back jobless but also granted opportunities to begin freelance in celebrity styling. That's not a fucking coinky dink, how one door seems like it's closing but in reality it's opening in the opposite direction.

This is why we work so hard.

For the "better life" sentiments, for our legacies. This is why mediocrity isn't accepted and never encouraged. Honestly, you don't fully grasp the urgency and aggressiveness of it all until you're there, until you're in it. My mother;s words from when I was young will probably always ring in my ears, "do not forget where you came from" as where you came from is important. It is identity.

In my early youth I used to think this simply means to not deny my heritage, to be proud of being Nigerian, but a few years ago I realized the depth to it. It means to use my uobringing and the people oh who I am and are from as a compass. Not to forget where I came from and what it means to walk that soil, not to forget the people and habits of my origins and move as though I don't have any bearings. In lames terns, What Would Your People Do? Not to get lost in the enticement of emigration and belonging" where you forget what differentiates your people from everybody else in this world. That's fucking pressure.

The crazy thing is, it's really only pressure if you want to be your own person. Where's my voice in all of this?

Don't get me wrong, Naija was an incredible time, I truly wasn't expecting the caliber I experienced even with knowing it would be a blast and I'll get to the rundown of that further. However, I think it would be unjust to not speak on this notion of a lack of acceptance for how people come. As this year was Ghana's "Year of Return" as I'm sure everyone has heard of at least once by now, it's suitable to say this was sort of the theme of the diaspora this Christmas and New Year season. Although Nigeria is always swarmed with generational natives or first-time goers, this year was particularly different. And in the home of tradition then no mann's land of motion and energy, the rejection of expression or simply anybody and any notion "unlike" surely discourages visitors from returning. Because once you stop partying long enough and actually put your ear to the conversation of why everybody's eyes are on you and giving you funny looks, you begin to ask yourself a question that lingered in my brain as the cabin doors closed and the flight attendants scuffled to their duties, with all of the crude humiliation defended by "this is not what we do here" quips, who would actually like to willingly return?

Nigeria always teaches me to be shameless, to be proud of your difference. We have so much national pride, it's literally a notion of why would you want to be anything else? (we good over here vibrational energy you feel me) Shameless. Which, let's be clear, is actually somewhat difficult to practice there. I think that's a great part of the reason we breed such enigmatic people, "creative", "different", "hungry" people, it's rebellion really. Rebelling against all of the "you're supposed to do"s, all of the hierarchical expectations and surviving yourself, self doubt, self worth, self harm even.

It's a mess at first, just doing any and all things in hopes of finding happiness and joy from them in the downtime of simultaneously appeasing family ties and legacies in the corners of your mind. It's a mess because for a long time you'll think you're doing these things for everybody, you and them. But in reality, the reality you're absolutely aware of but have convinced yourself isn't the whole truth so won't necessarily speak on unprompted, it's for "them". It's to make "them" who made all of these sacrifices, all of which you didn't even ask for, proud of you. I'm reminded of this every time I excitedly step back on my soil and honestly I'm not sure if it's what I'd exactly call unnecessary, because it's made me and so many others into the inspiring people we are today but we had to fight to get "here".. but then again it's also the take of if all of this shit was encouraged and actually supported would we have yearned and gravitated toward our path? I'm not so sure.

I do know that Nigerians are fighters regardless, we fight for what we believe in and sometimes what we don't believe in but are passionate about nonetheless. Even in our rebellion we are native.

I wonder how we'll raise our (y'alls) kids... for some reason I heavily believe they will want to become healers and negotiators (doctors and lawyers alike).

In the end I believe it is all about support, that's what we've all always wanted. That's why we'll do things we don't enjoy for years because to do the opposite of that would have said support from those who literally birthed and raised us whisked from the bottom of our feet. Imbalanced. That is until we succeed.

When I opened my notepad to begin writing thoughts about this trip in order to form phrases, sentences, and paragraphs that would become this post I found that I just had a bunch of phrases and couldn't complete any of them. To be all dandy and recap the frills just wasn't sitting, it literally wasn't producing. I will and actually want to go into the wit and humor of our trip but this just felt right. Right now.

We're moving forward. It took us a long ass time to even get to this space and the motion is not over. But we definitely still have work to do, we can't deny that and it would be a disservice not to speak on it. It all starts and will continue with us going back home.

xxoo missusmonroe

A month ago I was truly trippin over turning 24. 24 is a year closer to 25 and who exactly is begging to be 25?? Who is seeing 25 as more than your "MID twenties", more than a quarter century, quarter life really, crisis?

I'm not even 25 yet so let's get that clear self but honestly...honestly if it wasn't for my timely epiphanies I just might still be feeling like all of the above. I've wanted to "get a lot done" by this age just to say I've done it. Literally, just to say I did this before *insert age*. I've wanted to create a lot of things by this time just to proudly (braggadociously) say I did so. To stay ahead of fear.

To stay ahead of fear. Because who wants to be 30 "and not achieved anything"?? We fear this time of our lives, the time to be wanderers, because we've been made to believe since youth that by NOW we should have something if not everything together! Looking at each other, even not knowing it, we put our lives, wants, and achievements up against what we're shown of other humans. And we compete. All because of what, these ages we've been assigned, false life expectations, quick satisfactions, and a sinking gut wrenching feeling that time is running out? And the notion of will you ever live up to the expectations you have of yourself? Especially if that expectation is to be in the same place as someone else. Or even a little worse, better than them?

I'm about to turn 24 (surprise at 7 AM I became she). 24 to me means fruition and realization. It means payoffs and simultaneously necessary groundwork. 23 was proving myself right, it was celebrations. 23 took a turn for one of my lowest. 23 I was at one of my proudest. So much can happen, so much can change, we can't be defined by these barricades in time. I'm saying this as I'm telling myself this as well. This big, big age, I'm so emotional about it, I don't even know why! I feel as though I've shed a life, left a shell behind. In terms of how in modern day success is measured, I technically should be yearning for much more, more "hey look at this, this thing I can point to" accolades but that shit doesn't justify nor satisfy me. Quick satisfaction doesn't satisfy me. I know what I've done mentally, physically, fucking emotionally. How I've grown, how I've shed so far, how I know I'm a damn force to be reckoned with! I move mountains; and I know this. The makings of a dangerous woman. In a year I've created a life.

Staying true to self is so hard these days but once you know yourself you also discover there's no going back and every step, whether forward or backwards, is monumental. To find yourself is to lose yourself.

In your self memoir, keep true to these things:

1. trust yourself, you know much more than what you swear you don't know

2. stop arguing with people on the internet

3. love lost is not a loss

4. what you call yourself is what you are

5. even the most idolized of this world is replaceable

6. your loyalty does not determine that of others

7. you're not in the business of proving your worth

bonus: forgive your family members

xxoo missusmonroe

Ever since I was a child I looked forward to summer-time for two primary reasons, getting out of school and getting the fuck out of the United States. I've traveled near and far for as long as I can remember and I can truly say I never missed home. I got to college, I graduated, I moved and I can also say summer has never truly been the same as when I was younger. It's felt like a small break, intermediary periods, but never that unmoved excitement. It hasn't felt like that itch to be outside even though I wasn't allowed out with the other kids, it hasn't felt like that salty, face-tight sensation after coming back from the beach knowing for sure you're ten shades darker and your mother's gunna beat that ass *deeply rooted I'll tell ya*, it hasn't felt like days and days of "unproductivity" because you're actually far too busy living life to just sit still, it hasn't felt like new people and newer adventures, it hasn't felt like staying completely still and letting your embodiment bask in the rays, it just hasn't felt like dancing until your feet cracked, laughs of longevity, and sweat dripping from all of the above crevices, it hasn't felt like nights that turn into memories that you want to do-over just to feel it twice, it hasn't felt like smiles brighter than your favorite all-white, it hasn't felt like eternal days and ink nights molding into the folds of dawn... it hasn't felt like summer in a long fucking time. Until this summer.

Laughing until I could literally laugh no longer just gasping for air, lustful nights, heavy-eyed mornings, sand I still can't get rid of, broken pants zippers, late-night walks with nothing but my thoughts, "celebrity" parties busting out ratchet dances, outfits that never worked, outfits that did nothing but work, unanswered messages, 1,000 wine videos, genuine friendships, new cities, numerous times behind a lens.. I could literally go on and on.

There are no real complete sentences to fully describe this summer. It was life-changing and sincerely the best summer I've had in a very, very long time. Refreshing...a necessity. I can actually say I was so happy, so carefree. I remember in the past these hot months would drag and just remind me of what wasn't. For the first time in a while I felt rewarded. Rewarded for so much I've had to endure to be able to enjoy these moments. God never ceases to amaze me, my future never ceases to amaze me. I've tried time and time again to sit and write something fulfilling, similar to how I just used to talk a few years back, no real subject matter at hand just something of a free-write. I hadn't been able to edit videos because literally every new editor I would try out for fit did everything but that, fit. There's always a reason. Mine just led me here. With my thoughts and my memories that run deep. As usual. It's a comfort to know how much of "me" I will always remain, no matter how much people who do not in actuality know me claim I may be changing. This summer was an ode to reflection. The ultimate Black Women healing and rewarding herself.

Summer of 2019, you were the best thing to happen to me yet.

xxoo missusmonroe

It's been a while. And there are many of things I want and need to discuss but I just settled from Afropunk 2019 and honestly I'd like to talk about that! At this point we've removed the makeup, the body paint, took off the "costumes" cause that's what they are really, y'all have finally hung up those poorly constructed wigs and now we can attempt to recuperate and adjust to a normal scheduled program of life. It was a wild ride though! If you don't remember, last year I did an AP recap asking the rightful, in my opinion, question Did Afropunk Sellout? and I've been asking that question ever since. I think a couple of people might have slightly agreed with that notion of curiosity judging by the mass dip in attendance this year coupled with the conversation sparked from said post. And I'd like to know what others think is why.

Well, I never really got an answer, not that I thought I would, but I can say that this year... was different. The vibe was different, many of the attendees' energy was different.. I just enjoyed myself far more than last year and even the year prior. There's no equation to it really other than I feel as though AP went back to the drawing board a bit and attempted to hone into their principles, their beginnings..yknow.. blackness/creation and not profit. What it looks, feels, and sounds like to be a black outcast if you will, and creating a space for others alike. There's always time for profit. That's the thing, money doesn't go away, it's here forever but your integrity sure does. I know for a fact it also really helped that far less people attended. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of attention-chasing, pre-planned couple fits, and a little too put together arrangements but compared to previous years it was certainly manageable.

My personal experience was also drastically "un-normal" because I felt as though this was my real first year attending as a Brooklyn resident. A thorough resident, not a visitor and not someone who just moved in across the street a month ago. I had previously established relationships, I came on the first day with a friend..you all know I don't do that shit! I show up on all of my dolo to solo shit and make do but this time around was genuinely different. And I liked it. I felt as though I created my own standard, my own normal this year and I'm not mad at it. Change is bound to happen, it's inevitable and can be great but the importance is not to lose the foundation... that word every time I say it has a different implication now and resignation but it's the truth.

Captured by @_ibra80

As for me, this summer I've really been stuck in the early 2000s and last legs of the 90s. And I've known what I was going to do for my hair for months now, a lot of the time for big events such as this whatever you see was probably a year+ old thought. I definitely briefly thought of this headpiece last year but could not figure out the name to express ship it. Til this day I still don't know what it's called but I do know it worked perfectly in the time period it was supposed to. I didn't have too much of a fight with USPS this year which brought down my blood pressure, and made for a less anxiety driven prep. Everything actually arrived on time. Imagine that!

Captured by @phobymo

My Saturday outfit came straight from the internet, there wasn't much deep thought or customization into it besides from wanting some low-riders for a long time now and being in this nostalgic ass mood. I searched for what I wanted and literally stumbled upon this. The set was available in either red, black, pink, or lime. We all know what was first automatically withdrawn from that list and then I just knew I didn't want to have a lime moment, spoiler alert I had one. I hesitated with red initially because I did not want to accentuate my undertones so explicitly but seeing as though I wasn't in love with the other palettes, it would have to do. I knew I wanted to wear platforms to AP since years ago but I didn't actually want to wear heels of any sort. A funky take of the flatform it is! Then, my initial plan was to get a gold headpiece and I'd wanted throughout it to be similar to the coin charms but I could not for the life of me find such. So I opted for the white to make my shoes (forcefully) relate to everything else that was going on. It worked lol.

Captured by @thelensofnovakane

My Sunday get together was the prized possession all along. Months and months ago I saved Solange's Evening Standard cover photo with the braided hair art to my phone because it was literally a sight to be seen. I knew I wanted to recreate it for something and when the time rolled around it was only right Afropunk would be the recipient. And can I tell y'all how long I've wanted to recreate a Lil Kim ensemble? Because it's been a thing. What better than to, the day prior to the VMAs, remind everyone of when our living legend shook us for the nth time? For the construction of this I really just hand picked a bodysuit that was on sale, it didn't need to be all pretty I was going to cut it up anyway. I did want it to be of two things though, wide legged because of a vibe and see-through because... well, me.

Captured by @thelensofnovakane

I cut, sewed, reconstructed it all, in fact I didn't even add the feather trim like I'd envisioned but I'm glad I didn't because that would've probable given a naught Mrs. Claus look that I was not under any means going for. I hand braided my crown, okay see let's discuss my hair. ~gasps in laughter~ I searched high and low for the damn hair coloring wax that would get to me in time.. I initially was to do a braided platinum cornrow wig but decided against it; so I wanted to temporarily color my hair a bright blond, braid it, install the headpiece. Well. After much ado the wax did come in time, I applied it the day prior, mixing the white and gold to hopefully get a brighter gold.. baby when I separated my hair it looked like I had already been to and back from the festival circa 2016. I looked dusty.

Captured by @dreadedphoto

I really had to think quickly at that point because I'd spent all morning braiding, after forcefully dragging myself up, and at that point was already terribly late. Then the wire was actually playing with me, mocking me really so I changed the entire design of the braids bro I was tiyad. At that point I said to myself I just need to throw something onto these braids because the front is all that matter at the present and presently the front looks fucked.
I problem-solved in a matter of seconds and thus created what you see here..what hundreds saw. Literally amazing. This year was homage to my legends, to icons in this black woman world game, the creative mind and industry game. True outcasts, punks if you will, creating spaces and lanes for other misunderstood black humans to just be themselves and live off of that.

Captured by @coolblkkidanyc

In my eyes that is what Afropunk is all about. But let me not talk on and on about it, I'd rather show it in this interview I did on the lawn with Essence! Check it out y'all. This year was surely one to remember.

xxoo missusmonroe