Giving Myself My Flowers

7:24 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

Everything about me has been shifting and I mean pre-pandemic. In my most recent post where I highlighted feelings of displacement and the not so cute but rather confusing parts of transitioning, I also touched on clarity. Remember that?

I remember a few weeks of working from home I was in a state of frustration and prayed that everything that’s not for me should just go away, that “I don’t even want to see that shit”. And that I wanted peace and clarity, I wanted to see only that in which I was to see. Maybe two days later, that Monday there was a massive second round furloughs. Funny enough, and I know everybody cannot say this but, that was literally the best thing that happened to me at the time. I could fucking think again. It was as if, instantly, all the haze and blur cleared up.

I wrote down my intentions, I wrote down what I wanted instead of just it being in my head so that I could say the same thing every day, out loud. Not in the chant-like corny way but a positive, confident statement. I think there's power in repetition and I did not want to forget exactly what I'd wanted when I received it. And against all odds I set out to believe in myself when these niggas had the nerve to tell me not to. This past year, nearly to date in fact, I’d been trying to pivot my career, it had basically consumed my life because it was the determinant for a lot of things. I couldn't get my new apartment without a new job, I couldn't continue to build my fashion 9-5 without it and continue my plans of taking it all to my own business without it. Do you know the stress of when everything seems to be banking on one thing? That there's a domino effect and that you can't seem to jump to the next task without operating in order. To say the least, it's very frustrating. And I think it’s so funny, sarcasm, the people who are supposed to be helping you, as in it’s their job and shit, are actually the ones minimizing and gaslighting. I thank them for claiming they saw my vision but did not actually believe in my capability. Because that might have mad me trusting and lazy. But my network, my very own stubborn mind, and my friends who checked up on me, who lent an ear, who lent a resource, made sure I saw it to another side

Despite what these online critics say, I’ll be the first to tell you believing in yourself when the world is not affirming your affirmations, when things are not going your way is fucking hard. IT'S NOT EASY. It feels like in that moment you're going against the world. But I will tell you betting on yourself is never not worth it.

For the first time in a very very long time, I am in the moment, my moment. I’m not thinking about 100,00 things at once.. maybe just 1,000 things hahahaha ~sincerely~

I can smell my flowers, I can breathe, and I am grateful to begin this journey of full transition. And it's been hard too! That's another word to tell, it has not been easy but I cannot tell you it has not been worth it.

Be kind to yourself. Check yourself but also congratulate yourself. You can never be late on a trip to your own destiny.

xxoo missusmonroe

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A Transitional Era

3:56 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

Well. Where are the words for right now, honestly? I hope and deeply wish this finds you in a place of wellness and mental stability because I know it's been .. just a damn pivotal time. I can speak for myself that this incarceration-- I mean quarantine has absolutely had its great ups and reflective ass downs, bringing it home as just a particularly trying time.

One thing, well among many things as you'll see, I can advise with confidence is not to force yourself into anything right now just because everyone appears to be active, or productive, or creative, or or or. From day one to day ?? of this lockdown I have the same sentiments that this time is for you, take time for you in whatever that means to you. For the majority of you all I know that means rest. Well deserved rest, not looking at a screen an hour before closing your eyes rest, stretching your limbs rest, unfurrowing your eyebrows rest. You get what I'm saying?? I for sure needed a deep cleanse and this time to really feel again. And to feel what resting meant.

When this mess began I was really happy actually. Obviously not for the circumstances that got us here and the affects, the deaths and ailments that have been very much so real. But I was happy because for months and months I was so tired of going into work, I was exhausted getting up and "showing up" I just wanted to be present at home. I wished and wished, kept saying aloud I wish I could just work from home, it would be so much more comfortable for me. I wanted to multitask, I wanted to be able to sit on my bed or couch and do work related activities along with completing shit I wanted to do as well. Well that's literally what I got. Now although it came with massive caveats, it's what I got ~insert blogger professional term of lol~

All should've been well but that first week I was sick, crippled with nauseating migraines from hours and hours of looking at a multitude of screens and probably also confinement in general. After that hump though it was pretty much smooth sailing, aside from work changes but with me and myself I was proud of my navigation. I allowed myself to be as productive, and how I define productive, as I wanted to be. And some weight of the backlog in projects was finally lightening up. I literally stayed in my house for about 23 days, as in no stores, no walks no nothing, in fact the most I did was take the trash out and get a package from my doorstep. That shit is crazy. But I say that to say I've really been stuck with myself, which for me is a great thing because I don't fear myself and I love my company. I love being around me. I love having me to myself.

But bitch when I say I reached a dirty core I had to reach and finally pull to the light, finally say aloud so I can strive for a higher version of it and that was the beginning of my breaking point?? This past week has been hell (relative to when this was originally written), and yes I'm reporting live from amidst of it because we know how I hate over the river and through the woods, only when I've reached the rainbow ass stories. What about the pudgy, wincing midsection? What about the meat? Why can you only speak of your hurdle with an "overcoming" story, why not raw, uncut, no fluff and fillers? Too transparent I suppose.

But many weeks ago, right before all of this, I was talking to a friend of this current time but before it actually happened. And how I was going through so many differing things and facing so much tension and essentially conflicts in what's usually my normalcy or what should've been working. And he said to me, I think you're going through a transitional point right now. I couldn't have agreed more because that's exactly how I'd been feeling. And right now could literally not solidify this any more than it has.

And it's cute to say I'm transitioning, it's a very buttercup word and it frames things in a positive light. Which of course it necessary for your mental but to be quite frank this shit is not cute. It was whimsical at first but baby.. it is hard. It is frustrating. It is .. displacing. I'm going to be completely honest that I've been feeling far more lost than I've experienced in a very long time and it's because all these doors are being closed on me so it's challenging where the door meant for me is. If something is my purpose and meant for me, why is it hiding? And if the next response is that I'm not looking in the right place I'm still questioning why it's not revealing itself. It's for me right?? Right. Confusing.

So many things have changed and turned upside down these past four months it's truly unbelievable. All I'm asking for is clarity and preparation for my time. I'm asking for clarity upon your future, even just your tomorrow as well. Don't forget to do the things that help you breathe a little easier, smile a little harder. And be kind to yourself, we're all making it.

xxoo missusmonroe

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things and such

9:41 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

Life is of this constant ebb and flow.

If there's one thing about life it's that it is consistently flowing. Everything must have its balance, whether we see it now or later. But you know this. I hate being that repetitive voice that only repeats what is actually already well known. I would hate to be that shit cause I truly hate that shit.

I don't know what compelled me to begin this with life as the opener but I've been repeating that sentence ever since it first popped into my head. And repeating it so I didn't forget I had to write it. I guess there’s something calming about the shit, that regardless of the matter with every tide comes some peace and stillness.

I'm currently trying to talk myself out of a weird mood, as this week began parallel to trash and today ended a little unexpectedly. But as I sit here, waiting for words to find me I'm feeling a bit.. well there's no way to describe it but "blah". A bit humbled in a way. I'm not upset nor am I sad or disappointed, but just that feeling at the back of your cheek that comes with being humbled or sat back down. Ebb.

Thankfully, I've been a bit encouraged as of late and oriented for the first time in many weeks so that's what is actually likely keeping me from sadness or a rotten attitude. For somebody who barely has things go her way without busting her whole ass for it, I feel like life still feels the need to remind me not everything will go my way? As in...bitch I know that, I live in this! Momentary pause in articulation, cause how you gon try to tell me! Like I’m new to this or something? Anyway, it was a cute attempt, innocent almost.

In all of this meander I stumbled upon a mirage of mind and still unbeknownst to me, I'm not sure why I find it interesting that I really picked up my bags to pursue a life I wanted and I'm actually living it. Like actually, here. Imperfect but for damn sure close-ish. Black women in fashion in an industry we made, now we are convinced to believe it's some upper echelon thing, some delicacy and achievement to get into a space that wouldn't have been possible without us and our ultimate influence. We are the influence! We are what’s trending, we are style.

I've been thinking these days about perception. How yes, things are not as they appear to be but that we have everything to do with that and in fact, they aren't what they appear to be because we want it to be that way. It gives us something to believe in. It allows us to create a world outside of what we’ve confined ourself in and called our possibilities.

Sometimes things appear to be at some sort of a standstill. Things haven't necessarily been going my way lately but I think in this odd way they have, I think they appear to not be because of how I want to see it or how I want it to be seen. But in due time it will reveal itself to be exactly that of my imagination. Or maybe I couldn't conceptualize it because it is actually bigger than my thoughts.
I've also been ruminating on wants versus needs and this conception of how I conceptualize getting to my wants and how God usually bursts my manicured bubble and cute little laid out path and forces me into a need.

It's really easy to talk about these things, needs versus wants, perception, how things may not work out, when you're on another side of striving. It's exceptionally easy when you've just achieved a goal. When you just secured an opportunity. When you've done whatever it is you do knowing your Instagram audience will fawn over. I sincerely hate those "it was so hard to truth and belief, but somehow I did and now look!" when you've crossed the boundaries. Like bitch where are those words when you’re in the mud?

This has been well all over the place and yet it’s followed a pattern of thoughts that follow each other and build, as they’ve been building and fermenting in my mind. I’ve been trying to feed it.

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Thank You 2019 but f*%!& Off

9:32 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

I know someone is tired of seeing 2020 is for clear vision.

Although I could agree with the sentiments..it's corny and overused at this point. However, howeverrrr, I will put my bias and judgmental enough spirit aside and piggyback on its actual point. I eluded on twitter dot com that I was attempting to gather words I hadn't already said what feels like a million times but we just have to harp again how 2019 was just not it. Not that it was a horrible year but it was tired before it even started if we're being honest. 2019 was work, it was so much work!

Now let's get something straight, it was not worse than 2018. I don't think anything could be worse than 2018..aside from 2017 but stay focused with me here, 2018 was slaving work all year round while last year was difficult paralleled just with lighter moments. The greatest thing about last year was the resounding feeling of hope surrounding all of that hard work. Last year was hopeful, as hopeful as it could be following a tumultuous year like 2018. In all seriousness, 2019 was the year of light because of the magnetic and undeniable feeling of what the next year was sure to bring.

For whatever reasoned ordained, as last year was rounding up, as in after our super Hot, Girrrl summer, the greatness of fashion week, the Libra takeover that was my birthday month, then straight into the depression of all of the above being over, colder weather, and daylight being broke as hell and saving all it damn could, I was literally left with no choice but to think of the next year coming. And every time I would think of 2020 I would for no reason at all feel good. 2020 felt good before it even began.

I suppose it's just the law of nature. You keep working hard at something, something will come out of it. Pressure makes diamonds.

2019 I stumbled upon and collaborated with so many artists, creative minds, and visual geniuses.. so many that I truly didn't realize it far exceeded 10 until I sat down and attempted to make a post out of it (thanks for the reminders Instagram limitations). I'm grateful for the people around me but I'm even more grateful for these energies I just bring in and connect with. In some proclamation shit, I want to be more intentional with this this year but honestly and truly.. I LOVE how things "magically" fall into place or really how we literally fall right into our destiny. Our predetermined paths. Because I don't think anything is by chance.

It's not by chance I started 2019 off in a job where my boss literally hated me and not even halfway through the month separated with the company. It's not by chance this was right before catching a flight across the world all by myself to one of the most peaceful and spiritual places in the world only to come back jobless but also granted opportunities to begin freelance in celebrity styling. That's not a fucking coinky dink, how one door seems like it's closing but in reality it's opening in the opposite direction.

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What's in Your Wallet? A Nigerian Proverb

9:05 PM missusmonroe 0 Comments

This is why we work so hard.

For the "better life" sentiments, for our legacies. This is why mediocrity isn't accepted and never encouraged. Honestly, you don't fully grasp the urgency and aggressiveness of it all until you're there, until you're in it. My mother;s words from when I was young will probably always ring in my ears, "do not forget where you came from" as where you came from is important. It is identity.

In my early youth I used to think this simply means to not deny my heritage, to be proud of being Nigerian, but a few years ago I realized the depth to it. It means to use my uobringing and the people oh who I am and are from as a compass. Not to forget where I came from and what it means to walk that soil, not to forget the people and habits of my origins and move as though I don't have any bearings. In lames terns, What Would Your People Do? Not to get lost in the enticement of emigration and belonging" where you forget what differentiates your people from everybody else in this world. That's fucking pressure.

The crazy thing is, it's really only pressure if you want to be your own person. Where's my voice in all of this?

Don't get me wrong, Naija was an incredible time, I truly wasn't expecting the caliber I experienced even with knowing it would be a blast and I'll get to the rundown of that further. However, I think it would be unjust to not speak on this notion of a lack of acceptance for how people come. As this year was Ghana's "Year of Return" as I'm sure everyone has heard of at least once by now, it's suitable to say this was sort of the theme of the diaspora this Christmas and New Year season. Although Nigeria is always swarmed with generational natives or first-time goers, this year was particularly different. And in the home of tradition then no mann's land of motion and energy, the rejection of expression or simply anybody and any notion "unlike" surely discourages visitors from returning. Because once you stop partying long enough and actually put your ear to the conversation of why everybody's eyes are on you and giving you funny looks, you begin to ask yourself a question that lingered in my brain as the cabin doors closed and the flight attendants scuffled to their duties, with all of the crude humiliation defended by "this is not what we do here" quips, who would actually like to willingly return?

Nigeria always teaches me to be shameless, to be proud of your difference. We have so much national pride, it's literally a notion of why would you want to be anything else? (we good over here vibrational energy you feel me) Shameless. Which, let's be clear, is actually somewhat difficult to practice there. I think that's a great part of the reason we breed such enigmatic people, "creative", "different", "hungry" people, it's rebellion really. Rebelling against all of the "you're supposed to do"s, all of the hierarchical expectations and surviving yourself, self doubt, self worth, self harm even.

It's a mess at first, just doing any and all things in hopes of finding happiness and joy from them in the downtime of simultaneously appeasing family ties and legacies in the corners of your mind. It's a mess because for a long time you'll think you're doing these things for everybody, you and them. But in reality, the reality you're absolutely aware of but have convinced yourself isn't the whole truth so won't necessarily speak on unprompted, it's for "them". It's to make "them" who made all of these sacrifices, all of which you didn't even ask for, proud of you. I'm reminded of this every time I excitedly step back on my soil and honestly I'm not sure if it's what I'd exactly call unnecessary, because it's made me and so many others into the inspiring people we are today but we had to fight to get "here".. but then again it's also the take of if all of this shit was encouraged and actually supported would we have yearned and gravitated toward our path? I'm not so sure.

I do know that Nigerians are fighters regardless, we fight for what we believe in and sometimes what we don't believe in but are passionate about nonetheless. Even in our rebellion we are native.

I wonder how we'll raise our (y'alls) kids... for some reason I heavily believe they will want to become healers and negotiators (doctors and lawyers alike).

In the end I believe it is all about support, that's what we've all always wanted. That's why we'll do things we don't enjoy for years because to do the opposite of that would have said support from those who literally birthed and raised us whisked from the bottom of our feet. Imbalanced. That is until we succeed.

When I opened my notepad to begin writing thoughts about this trip in order to form phrases, sentences, and paragraphs that would become this post I found that I just had a bunch of phrases and couldn't complete any of them. To be all dandy and recap the frills just wasn't sitting, it literally wasn't producing. I will and actually want to go into the wit and humor of our trip but this just felt right. Right now.

We're moving forward. It took us a long ass time to even get to this space and the motion is not over. But we definitely still have work to do, we can't deny that and it would be a disservice not to speak on it. It all starts and will continue with us going back home.

xxoo missusmonroe