A Memoir to Self
A month ago I was truly trippin over turning 24. 24 is a year closer to 25 and who exactly is begging to be 25?? Who is seeing 25 as more than your "MID twenties", more than a quarter century, quarter life really, crisis?
I'm not even 25 yet so let's get that clear self but honestly...honestly if it wasn't for my timely epiphanies I just might still be feeling like all of the above. I've wanted to "get a lot done" by this age just to say I've done it. Literally, just to say I did this before *insert age*. I've wanted to create a lot of things by this time just to proudly (braggadociously) say I did so. To stay ahead of fear.
To stay ahead of fear. Because who wants to be 30 "and not achieved anything"?? We fear this time of our lives, the time to be wanderers, because we've been made to believe since youth that by NOW we should have something if not everything together! Looking at each other, even not knowing it, we put our lives, wants, and achievements up against what we're shown of other humans. And we compete. All because of what, these ages we've been assigned, false life expectations, quick satisfactions, and a sinking gut wrenching feeling that time is running out? And the notion of will you ever live up to the expectations you have of yourself? Especially if that expectation is to be in the same place as someone else. Or even a little worse, better than them?
I'm about to turn 24 (surprise at 7 AM I became she). 24 to me means fruition and realization. It means payoffs and simultaneously necessary groundwork. 23 was proving myself right, it was celebrations. 23 took a turn for one of my lowest. 23 I was at one of my proudest. So much can happen, so much can change, we can't be defined by these barricades in time. I'm saying this as I'm telling myself this as well. This big, big age, I'm so emotional about it, I don't even know why! I feel as though I've shed a life, left a shell behind. In terms of how in modern day success is measured, I technically should be yearning for much more, more "hey look at this, this thing I can point to" accolades but that shit doesn't justify nor satisfy me. Quick satisfaction doesn't satisfy me. I know what I've done mentally, physically, fucking emotionally. How I've grown, how I've shed so far, how I know I'm a damn force to be reckoned with! I move mountains; and I know this. The makings of a dangerous woman. In a year I've created a life.
Staying true to self is so hard these days but once you know yourself you also discover there's no going back and every step, whether forward or backwards, is monumental. To find yourself is to lose yourself.
In your self memoir, keep true to these things:
1. trust yourself, you know much more than what you swear you don't know
2. stop arguing with people on the internet
3. love lost is not a loss
4. what you call yourself is what you are
5. even the most idolized of this world is replaceable
6. your loyalty does not determine that of others
7. you're not in the business of proving your worth
bonus: forgive your family members
xxoo missusmonroe
0 comments:
Post a Comment