And if it was meant to be, then so it shall be

If I actually created a graduation cap, lol, this would have been apart of the quote. "And if it was meant to be, then so it shall be. Pyramids don't get built in a day."

There's a lot to explain about these last few months that I simply can't explain all at once. And a lot I can't explain at all. But it truly has been a whirlwind, a mess, a joy, a pain, the struggle upon all struggles.. The last time I was here I was feeling anxious about my post graduation steps; as you can see, well I've finally reached "here" but I can't help but feel no where at all really. And that I'm not here. I'm not sure where I am, I know it's on a way but because I don't know which way in the grand scheme of things, it isn't much of a place to be. 

For a person who loves being spontaneous and adventurous, I sure hate not having a solid plan when I feel I need to have one. I like things to be up in the air but am anxious about my inability to control what I don't want to be a surprise.

In reflection, a great summary of these past 4 years.. is that I SURE TAKE MAJOR Ls. Don't get me wrong, I've had magnanimous achievements and learned so much about what actually pushes me and how far I am willing to go and subsequently can go.. but an even greater lesson was how many damn Ls it takes to get there. And I took some MAJOR, continuous losses. I still am to be quite frank. They were hard to swallow and even harder to push aside in order to move past. I appreciate transparency because these past years have not been a walk in the park and should never be viewed as such. School is not for everybody, sheesh most aspects of life as well, but I digress. But I'm also (kind of) grateful for all of my experiences and tears and dramatics thus far, because if it weren't for them, I wouldn't be as appreciative as I can say I am now. I wouldn't be as driven and determined as I am now. I wouldn't be as present.

But now here I am. I've literally been in school for 18 years; that is such a damn long time. That's a whole human's lifespan. That's a jail sentence. That's the time it takes writers to master a novel... that's a lot of time to even possibly feel wasted. That's a lot of time to feel just disappeared, a lot of time to not be able to recount or trace. I'm having a hard time getting all the correct words in their designated order in this one because that's exactly where I am. I know the end, I have moves, I want a plan but I honestly do not think that's feasible so I'm stuck. Stuck without reassurance and having to solely rely on trusting the dark; faith. It's funny, not really, how you can put faith in every other thing because you're against a wall and literally must but not so much your own original thoughts simply because they've been backseated for so long and you actually gave yourself that option otherwise. Yes, you. Them. Me. Us.

no longer.

I realize this could just be an opportunity for change. This would be the doorway to big change, it could be a life-defining era, the calm before the storm of a 360, the great hoorah at the end of the romcom movie. 

So even though it doesn't completely feel like it, here's the close to a long-drawn chapter. Thanks for sticking with me thus far, brace yourself for the nonsense that's sure to ensue.

xxoo missusmonroe